July 31, 2009

wondering why...

I try to share what's real in my life in this space I call mine
because of that I have been blessed with a support group
that I refer to as
my tribe
my blog loves
my guardian angels
my friends
so why someone chose to blast me and my post yesterday
is beyond me
as I was always told that
"if you can't say something nice
don't say anything at all"
I don't want to give the person who couldn't put a name behind their words
any time and attention on my blog
because I erased the comment
~with the speed of a gazelle~
which splattered itself on my screen like a bug on a windshield
left a few of you wondering what was going on
I felt the need to at least tell you a bit about it
the little snake
didn't think that having a difficult son to deal with was a big enough problem for me to write about
that obviously I have never had anything hard to deal with in my life
that I should get my head out of the clouds
how dare I take a mental break by going out and taking pictures
yep just like that
I was wounded
but with nothing a tiny band aid couldn't fix
what I focused on instead
the personal emails many of you sent to me which are now cherished gifts
along with all the comments
filled with support and love and guidance and understanding

I have to believe or at least want to believe that the person who left such an ugly note
doesn't know me
doesn't have children or teenagers
doesn't understand that I have feelings
~what I tend to believe~
doesn't have a heart
because I was sensitive and emotional and unzipped and vulnerable
I shed tears yesterday
after talking with my daughter
after talking with my hubby
after reading all the supportive notes and comments that were sent to me
after reading notes from my sister-in-law and mother-in-law
while talking with my mom as she gave me her shoulder
that my eyes screamed for a break while my heart was bursting with love
so to the heartless nameless snake
there you go
you got time and space on my blog
which almost makes me want to vomit
I hope
~actually I pray~
that you go away from here and leave me alone
as obviously what I write is of no interest to you
so why waste your time here
I hope
that you are a drifter stumbling here like a drunk on a street corner
not knowing who I am
without the ability to ever return
to char and joyce and cindy and toni and amanda and holly and shell and eileen and cam and suzanne and claire and mel and elk and kim and roban and angelica and pixiedust and tameka and
dani and alicia and patty and kate and sam and beth and laura
thank you for holding me up while I stumbled and swayed and banged my head against the wall
during another heart wrenching nerve bending throat parching hair pulling
teenage day

July 30, 2009


not only am I reaching
I'm grasping at straws
our son continues to prove himself as a child who doesn't want to be parented
when you're a parent who has done nothing but parent him for the past seventeen years
this is like being told not to breathe any longer
we've set rules and limitations only to watch them
be kicked around
stomped on
set on fire
we've tried to see things his way
which temporarily blinded us
we've let him the test the waters
he doesn't seem able to float long without being thrown a life preserver
so I sit here wondering if I should be done saving him all the time
and let him spit water out of his mouth when he goes a little bit too deep
chokes and coughs
if I should actually start un-parenting him even more than I have been
in trying to help him grow
in hopes of making him realize that when he stumbles
he's far from the adult he thinks he is
as I sat here thinking about all of this
my thoughts made me claustrophobic
I had to leave the house for a bit
so with my camera bag packed
I took off
even though the skies were still grey from
the perfectly hung rain we'd had all morning
as soon as I got to my destination
just a few miles down the road
the skies opened up again and flooded my entire being with rain drops heavy enough to knock a small child to the ground
which forced me back in my car where I sat and watched the raindrops splatter across my windshield like cookie dough being dropped from a spoon onto a cookie sheet
I put my head back
reminded myself that there could be so many worse things happening in my life right now
besides an unruly teen that has aged me terribly this summer
then I thought nope
there's not
at least right now there's not
this is bad
this is not good
this is the worse thing I've dealt with as a parent
it sucks
so I'm reaching and looking and searching and praying for answers
I'm hanging onto the edge of that parenting pool that is so easy to drown in
with every ounce of strength I have
I'm competitive
this is the game of life
at least it's the game of my life
I refuse to put the game board back in it's box and tuck it on the top shelf of the closet only to be brought out again when friends come to visit
this game board is front and center
I just wish we weren't playing it so miserably right now

July 29, 2009

gotta love the sun...

it's wednesday already
which can only mean one thing
~self portraits~
if you're like me
I love the first photo where you can't even see my face which defeats the purpose of spc wednesday but since I rarely like any photos of myself
I think this one is perfect
maybe even the best one taken all year
after all the scary baseball cap wearing pictures of me last wednesday
with my serious serial killer like face
I thought it only fair that you see what I look like most of the time
when I'm playing with you
trying to figure out if you're pulling my leg
you're wondering if I just pulled yours
you get this kind of look
~kind of bad ass~

July 28, 2009

sometimes bigger is better...

this is beth
not me beth
who also lives in madison and who I got to meet in person this past weekend
at a sweet little street fair
where she was selling totally cool stuff

she's the one to blame for a new love that I have
a new place to shop
it's called the uw swap and obviously has something to do with the university
is only open on fridays and is like a flea market inside
except their prices are firm
kind of heaven like
if you like this sort of thing
this is john looking at the chalkboard we just bought
thinking "damn that's a big one"
this is john double checking the measurements
10 feet x 4 feet
still thinking "damn that's a big one"
this is this morning after I called friends of my son
I have a big chalkboard that's heavy and I'm alone and pathetic and if I whine a little bit more will you pick up the "damn it's a big one" chalkboard for me
they obviously said yes
now I have my new love in my garage
waiting patiently to be hung
our joke has been
"where do you hang a 10 foot long chalkboard"
of the course the answer is
"wherever it wants to be hung"

I put sophie in front of it to show you the size of it better
since most of you don't know sophie
I threw a regular laundry basket in front of it
I'm totally over the moon on this purchase
since I know I'd be asking this quesiton
I'll answer it for you

July 27, 2009

not what we had planned, but better...

on saturday I decided I wanted to see the butterfly exhibit at the botanical gardens
since my hubby goes along with pretty much anything I suggest
~one of the many reasons I love him~
off we went with all my lenses
not knowing what I'd need for the best shots
only to discover 3o minutes later
that everyone else within a 60 mile radius and their uncle had the same idea
after one quick look at the ticket line while driving by
I said, "screw this" and we headed to the back of the parking lot to turn around
all of a sudden a little garden jumped out at me which made me jump out of the car
start shooting with my itchy camera fingers
then as I came around the corner of the garden
I looked at john to see if he was looking at the same thing I was
he was
we laughed and smiled and took off to get a closer look at what turned out to be an amazing
abandoned warehouse
immediately I was all mushy like
saying things like
"oh fabulous old building where have you been all my life"
"I need you for photo shoots"
then john gently took the camera from me and said it was his turn to take photos of me

so I let him
even though I'm not happy at all being in front of the camera
which is a disease photographers suffer from
you know
we ended up taking tons of photos
as this building just screamed for the attention we were giving it
the graffiti really didn't make any sense for the most part
but it was amazing and beautiful and I couldn't get enough of it
the ivy
oh my god the ivy
so now you have it
give me a choice of butterflies or an old abandoned warehouse
you're all starting to know me so well
{and the rest of the weekend....well part of it's over here}

July 26, 2009

I could...

tell you
about all of the wonderful things that john and I have done so far this weekend
since I'm cherishing our short time together
which means
staying away from my computer
~to the best of my ability~
I'm only going to take the time
to tell you
one thing
go to the movie theatre
"away we go"
but don't waste your money on
"500 days of summer"
this is only my opinion
which means
I would love to hear what you have to say if you've seen these movies
since I obviously
disagree with the slightly brain dead movie critics and also with rotten tomatoes
in regards to what they had to say
just so you know
I loved
"away we go"
so much
that I've now seen it twice within the past week
by myself
yesterday with my hubby
trust me
it's a good one

July 25, 2009

harder than I thought....

I said "yes" to a blog challenge
not thinking for a minute that it might be hard
that it could actually be a difficult
{hence the word challenge}
asked us to play along with her
it's called
"inside plus outside"
where you put photos side by side of where the colors
from somewhere inside your home
your outside world

the first set of photos is our cottage
almost at a birds eye view
which is actually just from us climbing the hill next to us and shooting down at it
then a shot of my studio
which is not at the cottage but at my house
{is that considered cheating}
to go with the black and white theme
then a shot of a bird's egg
which I thought was the same color as the floor on the three season porch at the cottage
until I got them side by side
not so much
I'm not very good at this game
at least I tried
now it's your turn if you're up for the challenge
come on
you know you want to try it
just to show me that you can do better than my pathetic attempt at it
I'd love to see what you come up with
so would katy

July 24, 2009

just try not to smile...

to photograph a wedding
would be an amazing dream of mine
~come true~
even though
I wouldn't have a clue how to do it
there wouldn't be any
I'd be all sweaty and nervous
I'd like to try it
without fear or doubt
I've decided if someone asks me to shoot their special day
I would say yes

July 23, 2009

he loves me

he loves me not
he loves me
he loves me not
he's coming home today
he loves me bunches
{now this is too good to miss}

July 22, 2009

warning: self portrait wednesday~the scary edition

when I get up in the morning
I have hurricane hair
that makes me wonder what I actually did while I was sleeping
I'm not one who really wants anyone to see me in the mornings
with my 45th birthday sneaking up on me even though I've thrown out my calendar
to get rid of the evidence
I've decided to throw myself at you
not really raw since I did throw on a little powder and mascara for these shots
this is as "naked" as anyone gets to see me if they don't sleep under the same roof with me

on the days I don't shower
~gasp !...did she just say she doesn't shower everyday ?~
I'm usually in the mood to just throw on my baseball cap and go
when I brush my hair it actually goes back to what it looked like the day before
in which then I run out and buy a lottery ticket
luck like that doesn't happen very often
usually I get something flipped out like this

so a few times a week
this is the head attached to the body that looks back at me in the mirror
that runs out to do errands
with hopes of seeing something beautiful and distracting
so she can take photos instead
on this day late last week
it was cold
as in needing a sweatshirt all day cold
I loved it
~of course that was after "the view" was over
which I only watch in hopes of actually seeing joy sucker punch elizabeth~

July 21, 2009

I'm a whole lot excited...

the last time I saw this man
~the love of my life~
our heads were in the clouds
literally and figuratively
we were on what felt like the edge of the world
~pikes peak~
after a death.could.happen.at.any.moment.19.mile.drive to the top
on the fourth of july
he's coming home
on thursday
I can't wait
I kind of feel like a teenager
knowing that my weekend will be filled with hand holding
making out in the backseat of the car
{okay fine...maybe a little more than that but you know what I mean}
all I know for sure
is that I don't want to let him out of my sight
I want to eat at our favorite restaurant while we sit side by side
I want a back rub
{okay fine...maybe a little more than that but you know what I mean}
love is good
isn't it

July 20, 2009

watch where you walk...

there are so many stones along the way
~the little ones that find their way into your shoes and are irritating~
~the ones you mindlessly trip over~
~the ones that you step on just right that force your foot to slide forward
jerk your body backwards~
~the ones you kick out of the way while your focus is on the ground
because your mind is so full you're unable to keep your head upright~
~the ones so large and important
that they act as a path to move you forward as you step on them~
~the ones so tiny that when there are hundreds of them together
they feel as warm as beach sand in your hand~
what about the ones that are smooth
just plain feel good when you touch them
end up going home with you after a ride in your pocket
I think
if you think about it
stones are just like the people we come across everyday
the ones that feel the best
are warm
guide us on the path of life
the ones we keep
our friends

July 19, 2009

because I can...

mostly because you all make me feel like I can
I'm sharing more photos from the senior photo shoot
I did a week and a half ago

this doll and her mom will be here
wednesday evening for their consultation

as I finish the last of my pre-editing
a little giddy
a little nervous
a little excited
have my fingers crossed that I captured what they were looking for

July 18, 2009

nothing tying me down...

I have no plans this weekend
I might go see "away we go" at the movie theatre
I want to take a road trip tomorrow just to take pictures
I'll probably end up out at the cottage cleaning
maxwell street day sales are happening downtown
I don't really need anything so this would truly be a people watching adventure
I have photos to edit for two consultations next week
those can wait until sunday night
I changed the sheets on the bed yesterday
so that's already done
I could go get a pedicure
I kind of like painting my own toes while I can still bend over to do it
if it stays cloudy and cool outside
I might end up in the studio making my little purse journals to give away
I guess
I'll start by taking a shower
then just let the day unfold before me
if anything amazing happens
you'll be the first to know

July 17, 2009

game day...game face...

game day
this is my nephew
my hubby calls him
yesterday was day 2 of his league playoffs
in which I joined my sister and her family to cheer him on

who attacks a new puppy with love and kisses at the ball field
the sisters of the ball players
that's who
{the one in the white t-shirt is my sweet niece}
baseball players are moving targets and trying to get clear shots of my nephew
while he was actually playing
{with a huge wire fence in front to me}
was not easy
I did manage to catch him during the warm-up
of course sneaking into the dugout was pretty easy
is the catcher for his team and I couldn't help but shoot him getting his gear on and off
in between innings
being hugely impressed with how fast he could do this

there were times you could feel a bit of seriousness coming from the field or the dugout
somehow I caught it
on the kid who never stops smiling
on this second day of play
they won their first game
a few hours later in another elimination round
they lost
what an amazing season these boys had to even make it this far
what a great day this aunt had
remembering how it was just yesterday that her own kids were this little
how quickly they grew because she blinked

July 16, 2009

but of course...

you didn't think I'd do a senior photo shoot and forget a jumping photo did you
this is her best friend
who came along on the shoot to help if I needed a someone to hold my sun shield and
she was a doll
who I found out half way into our session
happens to be the daughter of a girl I graduated from high school with
~small world~
too fun

July 15, 2009

teenagers can be great and this one was perfect...

senior pics

I had a senior photo shoot last week with this doll
she was amazing

a complete natural
doing anything I suggested without a complaint

the morning of the shoot I was a bit nervous
I actually felt butterflies fluttering in my stomach
as I was traveling to her little town 20 miles north of me
wondering if I would find
the amazing spots that dance in my head for shoots
but rarely exist
not only did I find alleys and graffiti and textured walls and painted doors
I also found an amazing city park
in one of the back alleys we were in
can you believe this
an old school desk just sitting there calling my name
I actually laughed out loud while looking up at the skies
thank you
as we were moving in for this next shot
I said
"is that a tattoo I see"
she sheepishly said
I told her we were going to highlight it
not hide it for this shot
so that someday
she'd be able to look back and love and laugh and lap up all that she was
I still have lots of editing to do
I continue to play with tones and colors
I want to add some textures to a few of the 256 photos I took
for now
here's my sneak peek that I've been so anxious to share with all of you