how do I protect him now...

remember

when you could just slide a baby gate into place and be reassured that your child would be

safe from harm

and

you'd be considered a good mom for doing so

?

yeah

me too

~~

I can remember days when an ear piercing

screaming baby who hadn't slept for hours

could bring me to my knees with a pain that was similar to walking on broken glass

but still

I cuddled him and kept his little body safe

~~

I can remember chasing after a toddler for days on end

while he explored his world that I had determined safe with every step he took

wondering if this if what it felt to train for a marathon

~~

I can remember sitting in the front row at a school play

praying that my child wearing a costume that I had created at home in the late hours of the previous week

remembered where he was supposed to stand

knowing how embarrassed he'd be if he forgot

and

that somehow if he did

I'd feel as if it were my fault

~~

and

then all of a sudden he grew too fast and spiraled upwards through the middle school years

with a speed that would challenge a tornado

fighting the sports I wanted him to play

and

complaining about every class and every teacher

and

left everything blurry and kind of windburned

but

I loved him for who he was becoming

~~

which brings us to today

where I am worried all the time

about the boy who towers over me now and has a zest for life

with a

"nothing can harm me"

attitude

that causes me to lose hours of sleep

and

frustrates me and scares me

and

often makes me wonder if I did too much

or not enough

~~

but

now I think back

realizing he's always had that attitude

and

I've always loved that part of his personality

but

when all of that is wrapped up into a teenager instead of 4 year old

or a 13 year old

it takes on a life of it's own

which can bring a parent back to her knees

~~

but

this time

to pray

*

what makes simple, simple ?

is it the curve in your loved one's posture

when he bends down to let your face fit just right in the crook and the warmth of his neck

when you reach up for a kiss

?

is it a vintage mirror filled with scratches and discoloration

that you love

even if it slightly distorts how you look

?

is it the blinding color of an orange plant

in an otherwise dull looking patch of prairie grass

that is just starting to open its eyes

?

is it a new bead

that you fell in love with while shopping with your hubby

waiting patiently to be touched and played with

?

is it a new set of wooden clothespins

that sits patiently waiting for you

to figure out how to make them look old

?

~~~~~

these are just a few of my beautiful and simple things today

for

christina's project

~~

what's simple things are bringing a smile to your face

?

time for me to confess....

I spent the long holiday weekend in colorado

with my love

~~

call me a weenie

but I feel a little uneasy letting the entire world know that

"I'm not home"

by announcing it here

~~

does that make me odd

?

I can't begin to tell you or show you everything we did

or describe how it felt to be in my hubby's arms after a month apart

but it was wonderful

and

as the days go on

I'll throw in some photos here and there

that will make you smile and hopefully make you laugh

and

maybe even make you want to take a vacation out west

~~

thanks alicia

for being so smart

there is a flickr pool for bench monday

and

now all of you can play along with me

~warning~

it can be addictive

as I said a few times too many to my hubby

while climbing up on something

and

handing him the camera

"just my legs"

~~

it's been tough to pick a winner out of the comments that were left

{we were at garden of the gods}

but

YIPPEE

I love a contest

and

I'm calling it a tie between

SHELL

{colorado springs was right}

and

EILEEN

{pikes peak was the next day so you were so close}

{girls~I need your snail mail addresses}

~~

I apologize for not being able to catch up on all your blogs while I was gone

as I didn't want to take time away from my hubby with my face in the laptop typing away

but

on a rainy afternoon

I did get to play and read a little bit

just enough to keep me in the loop

~~

so now I'm off to figure out just exactly what I'm going to make out of "my new little space"

and

by the way

I'm still open for suggestions

so

throw them at me

even if you think they're a little odd

~~

I like odd

my first bench monday...

I wish I knew who started 

"bench monday"

so I could give her credit

and 

link to her 

and

let her know that I've been a stalker

but 

I don't who it is

do you

?

~~~~~

I guess my reason for not playing along with "bench monday" before this

is sheer laziness 

and

maybe even lack of creativity

{wow did I just say that}

?

but this weekend

oh

I have lots of "bench" photos from this weekend

because 

well

I've been

WAIT

you have to guess where I've been this weekend and what I've been doing

and

for the first blog love to guess right

a homemade gift

from me 

packaged with love

will arrive at your house 

~~

and

if you can guess exactly 

where this was taken

as in what's behind me

I'll even through in some chocolate

~~

and

I apologize now to my family

because

you can't play

~~

seriously

you can't

K

?

twisty turned and a few cobwebs...

life

has a way of throwing things at us 

that can make us crouch and cringe and question our skills

and

normally I have my glove in just the right position

to play this game

~~

not so much right now

as

my son is doing everything he can to make me

feel as twisted and directionless

as the wire above

sending me and my emotions running around like a wild animal in the outfield

~~

the experts say that living with and parenting a teenager is the ultimate test

of your child rearing years

but

they never told me there would be days where every ounce of my soul

would be sucked out of me

stomped on with both feet

and

then left out in the sun until the edges dry up and blow off into the wind

~~

so today

I start all over again

trying to get my heart and my mind 

out of the dugout where it's been sulking a bit

and

get back on deck to bat

because

that's what moms do 

because

that's how moms play the game

*

and 

thanks to all of you for following me over to my "new little space" that I'm playing in

where georgia

asked if there was going to be a theme for my new playground 

and

YES

I need a theme

so

please

if you have any ideas 

throw them my way

*

I would love to see what all of you might be thinking

ready to fly...

right before jack was ready to leave for camp

this baby robin

fresh out of his nest

came by for a little visit

determined to spend his day on the bumper of jack's jeep

~~

in a crouched position

I crept closer and closer to this precious baby

all the while thinking at any moment in his off balanced way

he'd take off and fly right at my face

~~

but he didn't

instead

he kept his brown eyes wide open

and

before I knew it I was in a full

"who's going to blink first"

game

I won

but

only because I looked huge and scary

to this little feathered love

~~

I mean really

can you even imagine what was going through his tiny head

as I kept getting closer and closer

?

he was probably thinking

"momma told me there would be days like this"

~~~

what he didn't know was that he had blessed me with some great photos

that I couldn't help but play with once I looked at them

~~

a little layering~a little texturing

you know how it goes

~~~~~

and

now

for something new

~~

this weekend

while you're all watching fireworks

playing with sparklers

and

filling picnic baskets

I'm inviting you all over

to my

new little space

that I'm going to be blowing bubbles in for a few days

while I'm on the road

giving it a little test drive

a little nudge a little poke

especially if the "post options" works

{which has been on the fritz for me lately}

and

hopefully adding it to my life on a regular basis

once I get back

~~

it was a nightmare and I was awake for it...

monday night was just like any other night

where I was tired early

but also where a hot wash cloth while I was washing my face

breathed a second life into me

which kept me awake

reading

until 11:30

~~

I'm used to being alone in this house

but

sometimes

I hear funny noises that make me wonder if I locked everything up tightly

and

on those nights when that happens

I'm comforted by the red light on our security system

and

I drift away peacefully

~~

at 12:13 am yesterday morning

while I was in a deep sleep

our fire alarm that's hooked to our security system

which is hooked electronically to 6 smoke detectors

went off

and

for those who have this built into your home

you know

it is a deafening

eardrum piercing

heart pounding

sound

that even when you're fully awake and hear it

it will send your body flying in every direction

while you hope and pray that your brain functions properly to turn it off

~~

so you can only imagine what it must have been like for me to be alone

when the alarm went off

while my entire being was swimming deep into the black hours of the morning

~~

no

?

~~

let me tell you

~~

I jumped out of bed swearing that in the few minutes I had been asleep

someone had gotten into my studio

stolen my elmers glue

and

dumped the entire bottle over my eyelids

as I couldn't get my eyes to open

~~

my heart

was beating so hard that it felt like with every step I took

someone was beating my chest with a baseball bat

and

I could hear it

whack whack whack

~~

confirming that indeed it was the fire alarm and not a burglar

like one could possibly be better than the other

I managed to get my code punched into the control panel

that at least made the house quiet again

but

didn't drown out the exploding that was going on in my head

~~

my feet

feeling at first like I had 10 pound weights attached to each one when my body completely stiffened

now

magically carried my body around the house as if I were a ballerina

and

then I became rocky

hitting every light switch on every wall in every room in every hallway

bam bam bam

~~

lights came on furiously and illuminated the entire house

as I moved at record speed from room to room

while

my nose became that of a bloodhounds

~~

fortunately

every room proved to be fine

but

I stood in the upstairs hallway

shaken and a bit bewildered

~~

as I knew it would

the phone rang

exactly 6 minutes from when the alarm originally woke me

and

it was

the management company asking

"if everything was okay"

"do we need to dispatch the fire department"

?

and

in my extreme state of

"what the hell just happened"

I slowly gave her my password and told her everything was fine

while wishing maybe she'd stay on the line just a bit longer and tell me what it's like to be awake and working at that time of day

as I found comfort in talking

to another human being

~~

I stood in the kitchen for a few more minutes

just looking around

while lifting my hand to my heart

and

feeling that somehow

amazingly

the heart

my heart

that could have jumped right out of my chest wall less than 7 minutes ago

was beating again to an almost perfect rhythm

just like that

but not without first

having

pumped enough blood and adrenaline through my veins

to keep me awake for the rest of the week

~~

slowly I turned off all the lights except the one on bedside table

and

climbed back into bed

while grabbing my book and pulling the sheet up around me as tightly as I could

wishing that it was closer to morning so I could just stay awake

~~

I had nightmares all night long

tossing and turning

what do you grab first if your house is on fire

?

too hot too cold

need to pee

does house smoke smell like campfire smoke or different

did I hear something

?

~~

I called the alarm company

when the sun came streaming in like little mandarin orange slices through my window

and

they came right out

~~

I have a short in one of the detectors which will be replaced today

~~

I didn't ask

but I'm wondering if they can also replace the nerves

that while better

are a bit shattered

by this experience

and

might need a little extra time to level out again

~~