May 11, 2010

or a field of poppies...

there's not really too much that gets me down
i'm kind of like a hot air balloon
shading my eyes from the sun
trying to catch butterflies
soaking in what i see and letting my hair get messy in the breeze
sometimes i land abruptly
too suddenly
too rough
not in the beautiful tulip filled field where i was aiming
it's in the field next to the run down farm
filled with cows and goats and fresh manure
the wicker basket to my air balloon drags heavily through it
collecting shit along the way
finally it comes to a halt
the sickly looking cows wander over
for a closer inspection
wondering what all the commotion is
they're frightened
by my
"it's supposed to be in the field of tulips"
they snort and kick
i fall into the fetal position
plug my ears
kick my feet in a toddler type of tantrum
i'm not technically tethered here in this manure filled field
the shit is heavy
like bricks
forcing me to stay grounded
so i hope for changes
pray that i can make it through the rest of his teenage years
making promises with god
that the only way i can fly again
is when the shit weighing my basket down
dries up and falls off


  1. Now THIS is one hell of an extended metaphor. What an amazing post, Beth. I'm sorry that you're basket's in the shit. It sounds like a really, truly tough time.

    I really meant what I wrote over at my place today. I will always try to be there.

    Thanks for your fantastic writing. If I could, I'd help you get that balloon back up and then we'd land it in the field of tulips, my friend. Failing that, I could pull on a pair of wellies, pick you a big bunch of tulips, trudge over through the shitty field, and give you a bouquet to at least make the wait more bearable. xoxo

  2. Beth
    It will get better. It might not look like what we'd planned , and that ends up part of the looking at it differently. Letting go of control, letting God.

    Let him love you and you him. The other crappola bites.
    I have stood where I either closed the door on him or chose unconditional love. Though it caused anguish. Though it caused me to live in a haze of fear and doubt.
    But it has come out the other side mostly fabulous. Very revealing of how much I want to make my kids instead of loving them for who they are becoming.

    love you,
    great big mom hug , some kleenex, and a maybe a glass of red in a few hours?

  3. Beth, what amazing writing, you know I wish I could help make things easier. I hope he grows out of this phase and makes your life easier without dealing with the shit. P.S. Hopefully the shit gets washed away in the next rainstorm. hugs to you.

  4. Oh gosh, I so know what you mean. My field of shit, of my son's creation, happened last year, and I am still finding dried up pieces here and there. It does get better, but they can sure put you through the wringer.
    This was wonderfully written, very poetic, even while including shit. :)
    And you should go visit me at the blue muse today, what I wrote there is called "standing tall," we are on the same wavelength...

  5. Oh your writing just gets more beautiful and poignant - so sorry that it took this field to bring it out. From personal experience - let's just say that getting through this field and into the 'vegetable patch' (now I am being clever) will reap an amazing bounty that is beyond your tulip field dream - but patience is oh so hard and it hurts so much to hold on and just love. praying for you...

  6. Yes a field of shit is just how it feels with a teenage boy. It does get better! I can assure you that. They grow and mature and pretty soon they are married and have teen kids of their own. They become terrific husbands and fathers and very attentive sons. Hang in there

  7. As soon as my wings are healing I'll come fly over and brush away your shit my friend.
    Untill then hold on and be strong on the love that's around you.
    Hugs Dagmar.

  8. Why is it I feel like your words are a snapshot of my future? I so can relate to the portrait you paint and I am not even there yet. Heres hoping the butterflies and tulips return soon and the shit loses its grip on you :)

  9. This is most definately the poetic writing of a mom with a teenager. I was once told dealing with a teen was like dealing with a drunk person. Never take anything personal from them! Some of my best art came from my pain of being the mom of a teenage daughter.:)

  10. Lots of things will eventually dry up and fall off. Hang in there. Take care of you. You need your head on straight and your resolve strong.

  11. Oh gosh...I get this. I wish I could be there having a cup of tea with you. Exchanging stories... You will make it through. I think I was like your child. My Mom thought I was on my way to "juvie" so many times... Each of us have our lessons to learn. I am not saying it's easy. But, just do the best you can. Keep making your promises with God...there is nothing you can't handle.


  12. i love how you seem to take us on a bit of a journey, so we're sort of all along for the ride with our own form of ups and downs. getting through the shit is so much easier with friends that know what you're feeling

  13. beth
    incredible writing... truly!

    and you have no idea, how much i know what you are talking about...

    and it truly is the most difficult thing i have ever experienced in my life....

    motherhood is sooo darn hard.... and heartbreaking...

    'sigh' and love to you...xxo, kim

  14. Shit is a great fertilizer for tremendous growth, you know. Look at it that way.

    I've got a 14 year old son, and I am PRAYING we get through the teen years mentally and physically healthy and ALIVE. *sigh*

  15. just so you know, i think you're brilliant.

  16. ...I see you haven't lost your sense of humour while discovering the merits of manure:)...seriously this makes me really appreciate the fact that my children are 27 and happens faster than you can possibly imagine and the bad stuff is forgotten...

  17. Beautiful writing Beth...straight from the reality zone of raising teenagers...(I have two girls, 13 and 16) isn't always pretty, that's for sure...but those soft brown cow eyes (well my girls are blue, but you know) makes up for the lack of innocent seeming tulips in that OTHER field....besides, there could be snakes in the grass over there.

  18. I hope the shit dried up quickly and you all can move on. It is for sure like running through a field of mud sometimes, but the sun will shine again.

  19. Mine was with my daughter---thought I'd never get out of the mess.
    I figured out what I could/would take and what I couldn't/wouldn't and somewhere along the way we found a path we could both walk on.
    (A lot of prayer went into it).

    The one day I found myself giggling as I watched her and him (I have a son too) deal with a child who acted just like her/him. I've then gotten the sheepish look from my "child." Then there are the days when my "child" looks at me and the look of understanding and love is truly worth it all.
    You've got people routing and praying for you.

  20. Wonderful words. Always enjoy your post.

  21. sending Mom energy!
    xx kt

  22. Big hugs to you, beautiful Momma.

  23. I remember feeling the heaviness of motherhood and wondering how my teenagers would turn into decent caring adults....with feelings. Beth, it does happen in the end.

    Just keep being a loving and caring mom and your teenager(s) will follow.

    Oh yeah, and think of it as compost....not shit!!!!!!!

  24. There's a verse in the psalms that says the Lord will lift us from the ash heap and the dung hill [AMP] ... there's a reason I know that verse ... actually several reasons ... and I know it's true! For you, too. Hang in there ...

  25. AnonymousMay 12, 2010

    sending strength....
    "Be tough the way a blade of grass is; rooted, willing to lean, and at peace with what is around it." --Natalie Goldberg

  26. oh, I am having a teenage day today!!!!!! UGH.... and I can so relate!
    I cannot blog it though. But will tell you that before I logged on to your blog... I was wondering why do we have to go through "hell" so times to get this job done!
    I wanted to just run away today.
    I have a close friend who's 15 yr old son just left home... so I guess i can count my blessings. (BTW, don't comment about that on my blog, k.)

  27. that is suppose to say "so many times"

  28. I can spell 'whose' too. Just frazzled right now I guess.

  29. Oh the trials of teen hood! It seems to me with your great sense of love and humor, your kids will be fine. Do they read your blog? They should, to know what a cool mom they have. In the words of Mick Jagger from 'Sweet Virginia'...."got to scrape that shit right off your shoes"

  30. You will make it though the teen years. You will, you will, you will.. I know that you will. You'll just have to have more days like this where you kick and scream and cry and pull it together and get through. Big hugs wrapping around the Great Lake to you.

  31. i am sorry I was not here yesterday ..but I am here now ..and will be the next day..sending strength your way via the tulip field

  32. i just hung on each and every one of your words, beth ~ thank you for sharing this so brilliantly ... for bringing a moment of humour to the 'shit pile'...

    i said to kim ... did you read what beth wrote?

    never ever in my life would i have thought it could be this tough and numbing and exhausting ... and some days wish for that 'fast forward' button ...

    but we breathe like we are in labour to get through this ...

    we have to cuz we do love them no matter what ...

    i even said to our son the other day that i preferred the potty training stage ... now, that shit was much sweeter!

    take good care ~ saying a prayer ...
    prairiegirl xo

  33. your words, your pictures, your story all point towards a loving, caring very elegant individual. i am sure the shit won't last and that one day you'll be in the tulips, smiling again and thankful that you trusted in Him.
    big hugs!! xxx

  34. Teenage boys sure can be difficult. But it does get better.. a lot better. Hang in there.

  35. Beth - so sorry to hear that you are having issues with your son. Last year was a difficult year with our daughter so I know how difficult it can be to live with a teenager giving you problems. I will pray for you and that some peace comes to you and your family and that your balloon starts to soar again.

  36. Beth...sometimes parenting a tough teenager is like having one of your wings clipped, and all you feel like you are doing is flying half-assed in a circle.But keep flying and flapping....I promise someday you will both be soaring again...and look back and wipe your brow and laugh at these hard times.

  37. I can so relate to your anguish, dear Beth, having survived the adolescence of three sons. In reality, looking back, I actually had it better than so many other mothers I knew. Maybe they appreciated that I was a single mom, without child support, working literally day and night so they didn't push my buttons beyond endurance. Whatever you are dealing with, you still manage to write about it with amazing brilliance and I send my love.

  38. Oh, this Momma love is fierce, isn't it? The pain can be every bit as big as the love, though. Can't it? I'm thinking of you, dear heart. Thinking of you.

  39. okay I SO love the way this looks!! Where ever did you find an overlay to make it look like this?

  40. okay I SO love the way this looks!! Where ever did you find an overlay to make it look like this?

  41. You wrote so beautifully about shit ;)
    I'm having fun going through your blog. I hope things get better for you and you find some field of peonies - 'cause the tulips are gone...

    Thanks for stopping by my blog by the way.

  42. Oh Beth.

    I am not a mother...and the thought of having a teenager TERRIFIES me. So, while I can't completely understand what you must be going through, I have tremendous respect for you...and for your journey through these difficult years. We all remember what it was like to be that age...trying to guide your own through that tangled mess must be excruciating at times.
    My love to you.


**I love reading the comments you leave, as they make me feel like we're sitting in my kitchen, having a cup of tea, discussing life and wondering where all the time has gone ...beth