go ahead, stick out your tongue....

all about london.....

this is baby london

and

i got to spend my whole birthday with him

and

lots and lots of my other family members

~

what better gift could i have asked for on my birthday

but a baby to photograph

over and over again

~

anyhow

here are my favorites from that day

{i sure hope you have time to see his mommy and the rest of his family}

*

you can wear a tutu, too.....

after i wrote this post

she said

"i want to make you a red tutu for your birthday"

i said

"oh deb, that would be amazing"

but

what was really amazing

was dancing in a field

in a red tutu

on my birthday

while my hubby smiled and took photos of me

and

what would a birthday be without a jump

*

now here's the fun part

and

even though i haven't asked deb, i know she'll love this idea.

~

i want to pass this tutu on. i want to send this red birthday tutu to someone else who believes that dancing in a red tutu on their birthday sounds like fun. if you think you're that person, leave a comment saying

"hell yes. i'll dance in a red tutu"

and

by the end of the week, i'll draw a name.

~

and

when your birthday's over and you're done dancing

you'll need to share your photos with us and then pass the tutu on again.

~

i mean really

life's just too short NOT to dance in a red tutu on your birthday

right

*

also

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

everyone

for all the amazing birthday wishes and blessings

~

you guys 

are

THE BEST

and

made me feel like a princess

*

it's almost that time again....

yummy cake

yellow and turquoise balloons

and

 wishes from my heart

whispered upon flickering candle flames

 that i pray come true

~

i'll be forty seven on sunday 

forty seven

i like spelling my age out, as 47 looks weak, but forty seven feels beautiful and strong

~

i read something recently that went something like this

"forty seven doesn't say what i am, i say what forty seven is"

~

i don't mind getting older, but i do wonder where all the time is going. 

i wish i hadn't wasted some of it. that's a lesson learned. 

i also wish i had savored more of my time. 

i mean really having licked it up and devoured it until i couldn't hold anymore.

but most of us don't do that, do we.

instead, we tend to believe that we have tomorrow to do what we didn't do or see today.

i want to change that.

~

so

raise your glass with me

as this is my birthday toast to all of you

~

"here's to another year in the buffet line of life. where no matter how full you are, you just keep going back for more and more until you almost burst. i'll be right there beside you, giving you a bigger spoon, if i notice the one you have is too small"

*

happy weekend everyone

i am today....

She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.

how do i ever say thank you.....

where do i begin. how do i begin. 

~

i guess i'll start by saying that if anyone had told me years ago, "once you start blogging and putting yourself out there, you'll never stand alone" 

i probably would have turned and walked away, while thinking "what a nut job" 

~

on a daily basis, especially when things are good, the love and support i receive from all of you, 

from all over the world,  is what keeps me doing what i love to do. 

writing, sharing, taking photos and generally just loving life. 

but 

the support and love and understanding and compassion 

that all of you have sent my way in the past 48 hours

has literally kept me afloat.

my world had become blurry

and

i was sinking

~

confusion and anger does that to a person. so do tears. but with the outpouring of love from all of you, the confusion became clearer, the anger subsided a bit and the tears slowed down. 

with all of you behind me, cheering me on

"you can do this" 

"you will get through this"

i woke up this morning believing it and feeling lighter. that someone else was carrying the load for me

of course with all of your prayers

we know who that someone is

~

so thank you. all of you.

for being here and giving me what i needed.

~~

for all of the personal emails, thank you. for all of you who have stood where i'm standing now, bless you. for all of you who have ever thought "i can't share my personal life here" you can.

~~

i wanted to respond to each and everyone of your comments, but i felt overwhelmed in doing so. i hope you can truly appreciate this group thank you.

and 

the mushrooms 

well they represent of all of us 

standing together and supporting each other 

*

Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again.The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. ~ Pema Chödrön

when it's not all pretty...

sometimes

it good to be real and honest

or

at least a bit more real and a bit more honest

~

sure, i could dress up this post with beautiful words to cover up how i'm really feeling and throw in some amazing photos that would lead you all down a path of thinking i live in a fairytale, but that's not what i'm going to do today. i'm also not going to share all the real ugliness behind how i'm feeling, because that's a weight only i can carry and the details at this point don't really matter.

but what i am going to say is that sometimes life 

just isn't as beautiful as that museum piece of art we thought it might be. 

~

we have had some struggles lately with our son. he has recently made some poor decisions and choices that have ultimately come back to land on our shoulders. a weight so heavy that we feel like we've been in a bad game of football, where we're the only ones being tackled to the ground. 

not surprising, each time we get back up, we check our mouth guards to make sure none of our teeth have fallen out in the process.

~

i've always had the belief that "it could be worse" while dealing with anything "bad" and maybe that's what has kept me sane all these years, but this time, i've been feeling a bit less hopeful with some of the things that are going on and that's just not how i like to live.

but luckily, i talked to a neighborhood friend this morning, after our paths crossed on our morning walks and her son, who seems to have been made from a very similar mold as my son, 

has finally started to turn things around, 

and as she spoke, i thought maybe i saw the glimmer of a light. 

that light they say you see eventually. that light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

~

okay

i realize that no matter what i write, i do throw in "pretty" words. well not actually pretty words, but words that well, you know what i mean. it's just how i write. 

so even though i said i wouldn't, i think i did.

~

anyhow

at this point, i guess i'm just asking for lots and lots of good thoughts from all of you, for our son.

oh, what the heck,  let's go for full blown out prayers.

and 

with the leftover ones, well you can throw those towards me and my hubby. 

we'll gladly take them.

and

no matter what 

i know in my heart

i really do

that things could be so much worse

*

{ps...i'm thrilled it's august, only because this is my birthday month. not thrilled that summer is passing us by way too quickly and the fact that i'm seeing trees losing their leaves already, but thrilled that i'll have candles to make a wish on}