i know her....

my mind

~not to mention my heart~

is achingly full. in a good way.

in a 'truly i can't believe this is my life' way. in a 'wake me up has this been a dream' way.

~

often when a new year begins, my mind won't rest. it works overtime designing a plan where the things i don't need. get tossed. and the things that remain, need to be beautified. unfortunately as honest and easy as that may sound. it rarely happens.

and

instead

it makes me feel anxious

like i have bricks tied to my feet while i'm in the middle of the ball pit at mcdonalds

~

add my germaphobic tendencies to that picture and let me just tell you. it's not pretty.

~

but

not this year. this year has had a completely different beginning. and my mind is clear.

well as clear as it probably ever will be. or ever has been.

~i am a woman after all~

~

it's as if someone else is doing the thinking for me. and maybe even the worrying.

~

i feel like

maybe

every now and then

i'm standing outside

wide-eyed

in my favorite pair of boots. looking in. my face pressed up tightly against the window while my fingerless gloved hands cradle my face. watching someone who might be me. who looks strangely like me. crooked nose and all. wondering what she's going to do next.

and

then

quietly yet suddenly

the one i've been watching

grabs my hand

and

makes me run with her

and

i realize that she's wearing the same gloves that i am

and

that we share the same breath

~

i am her

*

today....

i think i need

to ask all the disjointed parts of myself

if they wouldn't mind

maybe getting together

and

working as a team

::

i would....

if you asked me to walk with you. i would. we could talk about how life is so interesting and no matter how much we plan, things happen. and some things we plan on happening, don't.

~

we could skip down the leaf covered path together. hand in hand. and jump over the little spot where the pond water always visits. even though it's not welcomed there.

~

i know the sun will be shinning. perfectly. and the warmth of it will make us tired. eventually we'll sit with our shoes off and ask each other what we believe love really is. and even when our opinions and ideas teeter on the brink of different, we'll nod our heads in sweet understanding and approval of each other.

~

when the cool breeze makes us raise our shoulders up while we wrap our arms around ourselves, we'll walk briskly back to where we started. and you'll ask "what time do you have" and i'll smile sheepishly knowing you don't really want the answer.

~

and

when the moon disappears

and

tomorrow is here again and then again and then again

i'll remember that walk

forever

and

if you asked me to walk with you

anywhere

i would

*

don't lock that door....

i'm reaching deeper this morning than i actually have the strength to

wanting desperately to explain what doors mean to me

but most of my words are being wimps

and

they're all still in bed wrapped up in the down comforter i left behind

peering out at me with

"don't even think about touching us"

raised eyebrows

~

soon they'll yell out

"you'll get nothing from us until we get a cup of hot tea"

~

my url is "more doors"

did you know that

~

at the time of those chosen words we had moved 13 times

and

i had always loved what i found behind a new door in a new house in a new town.

~

but now doors symbolize everything to me. and right now i have some doors floating around in my head playing tag with me. begging me to open them. to try something new. telling me i can do it. that there is so much i'm missing out on.

and

a few

well they run away as soon as my fingers get close to their old glass knobs

looking back at me laughing

reminding me i'm not good enough for what's behind them.

~

those are the ones i want to run after and beat down with my bare hands

after i've kicked them in

~

i think

it's time to get my running shoes on

and

maybe grab a crow bar

~

i can see now that i have some work to do

*

and then i flew...

not too high. or too far. but i flew.

~

i spilled my birthday wishes here a few weeks ago and then, almost like a dream, when we pulled up to our inn in oregon, the day after my birthday, the community-beach facing-back porch on the log cabin lodge next to us had a bouquet of big pink balloons tied to the railing. i asked a girl curled up in a quilt, reading a book and completely unaware of my curiosity, if they belonged to anyone. she shook her head no in an irritating way, with barely an eyebrow raised.

so i untied them.

~

and then i played. and laughed. and pretended.

and

then i tied them back up

with hopes that some other girl

whose eyes grow large with the idea that it's possible for wishes to come true as long as they're whispered into the ears of fairies and whose quirky but overly large and sensitive heart

worn on her brightly colored sleeve

would find them

so that they she could fly

too

*

maybe tomorrow...

it's not that i want things different. i honestly don't love change. but i want things to change.

i don't want to move. but i want to move. i don't want to take the chance of what my hair might look like if i get it all cut off. but i want it all cut off. i don't want to paint my studio. but i don't want to look at the kalamata olive colored walls another day. i don't want summer to end. summer makes me happy and light and almost bubbly.

~

but

i want to wear my favorite scarf that smells like me and that my hubby will sleep with if i die tomorrow. at least i know i would if it was his scarf. and my fingerless gloves that make some people look at me with a raised eyebrow. that look of disbelief. that look of she's gone crazy now. her gloves don't even have fingers for god's sake. i want to wear those too.

~

today

i want to sit in a park by the water and watch people. people watching is something i'm really good at. not in a creepy stalking kind of way. just in a way of being thankful that we're not all the same. of course i'd want to take their photo. i would. i would ask first and they would say yes. they always do. but today i have appointments.

~

and

when i move. which will happen. we move often. i will go into the restaurant where this light fixture lives and beg them to let me buy it.

~

seriously

i will beg

*

well, maybe only the good parts.....

today

i'm playing on one of those really cool playgrounds

where they still a have vintage merry-go-round

and

the kind of swings that take you high enough

so that you can touch the sun

~

it's kim's playground

and

oh

i'd be so incredibly happy if you came over

and

ran around in the grass with me

~

i'll even let you have the good end of the teeter totter

*

ps....for those of you missing my creative writing side, which has been a bit shy this summer, she's in full force today over at kim's place

but it feels a bit cold...

sometimes

life comes rolling at you so fast

that you have to jump back a little

so it doesn't slap you right in the face

~

sometimes

it's too late

and

by the time you open your eyes

life

has soaked you

from head to toe

and

as you spit salty water from your mouth and pull seaweed from your hair

you're thinking

"enough already"

~

and

sometimes

you're just too scared of what's laying in front of you

so

you let life pass you by

~

come on

let's be brave

today

all of us

let's test the waters

~

and

i don't mean water water

i mean life

~

maybe

try something new

something hard

something different

~

i bet if i shout out

"it's not too bad, come on in and join me"

you will

~

won't you

*

is there something new you're trying or something you've put aside, fearful of doing it wrong or that even if you get it done, it won't really matter. is there something somebody has told you that you can't do, so you're not even going to try it.

what you do

matters

even if it matters to only you

*

where the beauty is...

there was no beginning. there was no end

just strings of rain beads hanging from a dark cold sky

singing

~

beads of rain that had been carefully strung on fishing line by the most talented of hands

they didn't shine

they didn't have to

~

beauty doesn't always shine

~

the rainy day softened my heart. prevented me from moving too fast

~

today

the sun is dancing. i can hear it. it makes music you know.

just like the rain beads

but

different

~

today i hear feathers and tip toeing if i sit still

yesterday

i heard whispers and flutes breathing together like a newborn

~

the sun is calling me now. asking me to make my own music.

do you hear it. the music. the dancing. the singing.

~

somehow i knew you did

*

is it okay...

is it okay that i don't like who i am today. or how i feel. or that i see a side of me that isn't me. is it okay if that side of me is like a somebody latching onto me who shouldn't even have visitation rights.

is it okay that i want to grab that somebody by her wrists and look deep into her eyes so i can see into her soul and ask who the hell she thinks she is.

is it okay that when she swings her head around avoiding me that i want to slap her cheek until she winces. especially when she gives me a smirk that says "you can't stop me"

~

maybe if i run through the farmer's field

filled with itchy tall blades of grass that feel like lassos around my knees

the blinding sun

will make her cover her eyes and she'll lose sight of me

~

or maybe

i'll realize she's only here to teach me something

~

unfortunately

i've never been a fast learner

so

today

i'm hoping for a miracle

or at least the condensed version

*

and my second toe is longer than my big toe...

I don't have any glamourous features

that you'll remember

~~

no big brown eyes to fall into

no lips so full they remind you of the moon

legs that go on forever

nope

not those either

~~

no athletic shoulders

or

muscular abs

~~

no thick hair that you secretly want to touch

no perfectly blushed cheeks

or

snow capped teeth that will blind you

~~

but

I have ears that will listen and understand the pain you carry inside

and

a heart that will hold you close

~~

my arms will always be able to wrap around you like a blanket

and

keep you safe from your own ugly thoughts

~~

my fingers will gently wipe away the tears you don't feel

but

that I see

~~

and

when the day is over

and

the night is thick with darkness

I'll be there with a flashlight

under my chin to scare you

and

you'll throw a pillow at me

and

then we'll dance to music turned up so loud that you'll only see my lips

move when I say

"everything's gonna be alright"

~~

that's what you'll remember

about me

~

oh

and

maybe

that my neck is giraffe like

*

I would...really, I would...

if I could swing away all day

I would

and

I would think about

him

and

all the ways he makes me happy

and

wonder how I've been lucky enough to have someone in my life

who lets me be me

even when I'm still

so far away

from figuring out who exactly

that "me" is

~~

I would think about

his warm eyes and hands

that even with the tiniest of movements

can keep me from falling

when I'm the slightest bit shaky

~~

I would think about

how he smiles at me when I first wake up

and

pretends to ignore

the wild animal that is busy unfurling itself from the top of my head

~~

I would think about

the way he often doesn't have enough words

to keep up with all the ones that come out of me

like a tornado

vomiting up once loved belongings

yet

somehow makes me feel understood

~~

if I could swing away all day

I would

*

i love the look of polaroids and since they are almost distinct

or at least the film is

I can only dream

~

but every now and then while I'm editing photos

I create what feels like a faux polaroid

often by mistake

and

then I swoon

and

I want to touch the photo in the same way you would with a polaroid once it was fully

developed

after

you had waited and waved it in the air and waited some more

~

yep

just like that

*

knot again...

my thoughts

are rarely deep and dark

instead

they seem good

like well behaved toddlers full of curiosity

~~

but lately

somewhere along the safe path that I have sent them on

they stop to pick up a shiny coin or an acorn

and

while turning around in circles searching for the most brilliant leaf floating above them

they veer off that path and end up in the moist mulch beds

where the branches on the trees grow low and purposely trip those thoughts

until they seem lost

~~

then the birds call out making them look in an even different direction

and

they are blinded by slivers of sun poking them in their eyes

and

before I know it

those well behaved thoughts are twisting and turning

and

starting to become knots

and

wishing they had dropped some breadcrumbs behind them

~~

I stand back watching those thoughts

with my hands on my hips

shouting out

"what are you doing"

?

"I sent you on a wonderful little walk

to explore and grow and bring back friends

and

just look at what you've done to yourselves"

~~

and

they turn and look at me and laugh

reminding me

that they're just little explorers

and

that I've been the one a little knotted lately

not them

and

I shake my head

realizing that they're right

and

they come running back to me

right where they belong

and

together we sit here and write

*

*

today...tomorrow...

today

even when there is the deepest of colors 

it's the black and white that draws me in

~~

even when there is a compassionate light

it's the darkness that make me feel safe

~~

even when there is a reachable depth

it's the shallowest of surfaces I cling to

~~

even when there is a blinding sun

it's the grey of the clouds that keep me warm

even when there's beautiful music

it's the silence that makes my heart beat

~~

and

tomorrow

even when there's the feeling of an overwhelming life ahead of me

it's the

 "being alive" 

and 

having a life to begin with

that makes

overwhelming

a word I don't want in my dictionary

 *

these words alone don't tell the whole story

so in a few days 

I'll share more 

so that it all comes together

when you just can't hang on anymore...

it's okay to fall

because

sometimes you end up being more beautiful

than

when you were holding on 

*

sometimes it's heavier than it looks...

it's not always easy to believe in yourself
~~
but
if you do believe in yourself
fearlessly
you will always have a thirst for life
that
nobody else will ever quite understand

I believe
that we are all facing choices that define us
and
if you choose to believe in
forgiveness and wonder
your faith will soar
~~

I also believe
that we all have growing pains
and
if you quit on yourself
even the tiniest little bit
everyone else will
too
*
~this is my wednesday spc for the incredible and beautiful misty~
and
who knew i could have so much fun with a sign
?

if only for today...

breathe slowly

dance to the music from your ipod while walking down your neighborhood street
raise your face to the sun at least once
stand with your shoulders back
give a stranger anything but a dirty look
buy a bagel for the guy behind you in line
wear your most comfortable shoes even if they don't match what you're wearing
leave your watch at home and don't ask anyone what time it is
take pictures of only round things
go left instead or right
and
most of all
if the only thing you do all day is sit and read a good book
don't.feel.guilty.about.it.

sometimes...

sometimes

I want to fly away into the soft blue sky for a day or two

and

come back only when I'm ready

sometimes

I want to spin around in circles fast enough to dislodge all those bad thoughts that for whatever reason

want to live in my mind

in order to make room for all the good ones trying to visit

sometimes

I want to hang upside down so I can see the world with a new set of eyes

while laughing until my stomach hurts

and

then fall to the ground and do it all over again

and

sometimes when there's a chill in the air

I just want to wrap myself up

and

sit and wonder

and

appreciate the life that I'm living

while telling myself

"you're okay"

*
{these are some of the other photos from the impromptu photo shoot I did in the park...remember the post of wanting to be six years old again...yep, that one...anyhow, recently on shutter sisters there was a discussion about "what's your style" and I hated that I didn't have one....I mean who doesn't want to have "a style" right ?

I love to shoot people, nature, houses...it doesn't really matter as I like a little bit of everything for right now...BUT it was pointed out to me by one of my most favorite people in the world that I make my photos soft in the middle and blurry around the edges and I was like...

"that's it...she's right...that's my style"

and

then I kissed my daughter and thanked her for noticing}

I'll have what she's having...

she sat motionless

mesmerized by the grey rain
~~

slowly she reached out with just the tip of the pen she held in her hand

to trace the lines of the dancing drops

as they fell slowly down the window pane

and

with the music playing for her ears only

her head filled with thoughts of the future

while

her heart held tight to the memories of the past

~~~

she was feeling vulnerable for some reason

wondering why the lyrics sung by martina mcbride

"hold on tight to what you feel inside"

wouldn't leave her mind

~~

gently she reached up to touch her memory filled heart

{that just recently had started to feel like it might burst at the seams}

and

searched for any extra room that might still be there

and

when the memories confirmed they weren't going anywhere

she thought to herself

"how do we ever decide what we keep in our hearts and what we don't?"

~~~

and

that was the day she decided she was going to start being

a whole lot more picky

~~~~~

~~~~

in case you're wondering, I often wake up in the morning with words and thoughts like these pouring out of me...usually if i have a watched a movie right before bed. the other night we

watched "yes man" and even though it's not going to win any awards, it delivered a message that obviously stayed with me.

I'll sit on that bench with you.....

"In order to do what really matters to you

you have to

first of all

know what really matters to you"

~~~~~

and maybe somedays

it's just best

to sit on a park bench

to sort out your feelings

and remind yourself

not to be scared of your life

but most of all

not to waste your life

~~~~~

while at

SQUAM

I heard

connecting with the earth

existing in the moment

finding your passion

living

~~~~~

and

that's what
I intend to do

~actually~

it's what I thought I was doing

but I wasn't

I've been faking it

"putting up a good front"

they say

so

if you see me

and I look the same

but maybe with a sparkle here or there

and you feel something differently

emerging from me

when you get a little closer

it's still me

only better