because I'm like that.......

If I had a little

red boat

I would float away for a day or two

while watching the clouds

float above my head

~~~~~

If I had a little

red boat

I would peer over the edge of it

starring into the depths of the water

wondering if through

the blackness

I was being seen

from below

~~~~~

If I had a little

red boat

I would rock back and forth

hoping to

tip it over

so

I could

drown my fears

~~~~~

If I had a little

red boat

I would sit for hours

feeling

the heaviness of nothing

around me

~~~~~

If I had a little

red boat

I would look towards the shore

wondering if you

could see me

~~~~~

If I had a little

red boat

I would dangle

my arms

over the sides

letting the cold water

numb my fingertips

~~~~~

If I had a little

red boat

I would ask you

to grab the tie rope

and

gently
and

slowly

pull me in

but only when I told you

I was

ready
~~~~~

If I had

a little red boat

I would paint it

the perfect shade

of vintage

pink

because I'm like that

because I loved this book.......and got this great shot at the cottage this weekend

" The queen, for her part, is the unifying force of the community;

if she is removed from the hive,

the workers very quickly sense her absence.

After a few hours,

or even less,

they show unmistakable signs of

queenlessness."

~~~~~

the secret life of bees

by

sue monk kidd

Oh come on already.....

I was raised by a momma

who often enough

refuses to be a rule follower

and

ummmm

well

I guess she's rubbed off on me a litttle

~~~~~

her sleeping self

with the windows thrown wide open
and the moon peeking in at her

she dreamed vividly

on those cool summer nights

~~~~~

sometimes

so much
that she actually returned to the real world

surprisingly aware

of what she had seen

and felt

~~~~~

it didn't scare her

instead

these dreams

breathed a life into her

that she had never felt before

and she wondered

why now

what took you so long

~~~~~

she was sleeping less and less

yet her remembered dreams

would occupy

those
sleep filled hours

~~~~~

she would wake early

to her amazement

believing

that she should be exhausted

and restless

from everything that had

occupied her thoughts

~~~~~

but instead

she felt

young

beautiful and vibrant

~~~~~

if she awoke to an alarm clock

the dreams were as if they had never exsisted

as if the buzzing hum that she heard

could simply erase

what she had seen

~~~~~

so she chose instead

to let the softness of the morning

slowly wake her

while she moved under

the sheets

and

blankets

that had kept her safe all night long

and

it was then

that she would smile to herself

while

slowly

remembering

moments

of her dream filled night

~~~~~

sometimes during the day

she would be reaching for a glass

or sweeping the floors

and a warm thought would wash over her body

and she would know

~~~~~

she would know that this feeling

wasn't hers alone

as she shared it with her sleeping self

that she had left behind

but

her daytime self

loved this feeling

and

she would wait

for the next evening

to come

when once again

those summer dreams

would

take her away

because I'm a softie

I watched the Today Show this morning

and was caught off guard when

they showed this clip.

~~~~~

Granted

I'm an emotional wreck

when it comes to any living thing

{just ask my family}

~~~~~

BUT

this just tore at my heart strings

and

I wanted to share it with all of you

~~~~~

Please

try to

watch it twice

~~~~~

the first time

read the story

and

the second time

with your volume on high

just watch

~~~~~

and

don't tell me you didn't tear up

when you watched this

OR

I'll have to assume you have a heart made of stone

~~~~~

side note....

it was an african lion sanctuary that Christian was living in

~not the wild wilds of Africa~

on being content

I love summer days

~~~~~

when the puffy morning clouds

linger a little longer than they should

making me feel a little light headed

~~~~~

when the most important thing

I do all day

is replenish my ice filled glass

with fresh lemonade

~~~~~

when the television remains silent

and I fill myself

with music

instead

and

every ounce of my soul

becomes

soothed

~~~~~

when my desk is screaming with papers

that need some attention

and I choose

to ignore them

and spend hours

writing in my journal

~~~~~

when the air conditioning doesn't run all day

and the windows are open

allowing my skin to be gently tickled

by the breezes

that find their way inside to me

~~~~~

when I feel sleepy

early in the evening

knowing that this tiredness

comes from having been buried

in a delicious book

that soaked up every

one of my

waking hours

~~~~~

when the forecast is for showers

and instead the sun

burns all day long

filling me with a warmth

that reminds me of the beach

~~~~~

and

when the smell

of a freshly cut lawn

or wet clothes coming out of the washing machine

somehow

remind me of being at my grandma's house

~~~~~

don't go running

So you run into a friend at the grocery store

that unfortunately

due to frenzied schedules

you haven't seen in months

and you immediately get

"Hi, how are you?"

~~~~~

And

because you are a kind person

your immediate response is

"good, and you?"

~~~~~

Have you ever answered that question

with an honest answer ?

I mean

a

really, really honest answer ?

~~~~~

Oh, alright

"I'm good"

might be an honest answer to reply with

it's safe

and easy

~~~~~

but have you ever imagined what would happen

if you opened

the gate to your inner life

just a tiny little bit

and answered how you really felt

by showing someone

a little bit

of

what's really inside you

~~~~~

I mean

what if the person asking
"how are you"

heard

"well, some days I do everything I can

just to feel normal.

I think summer brings

a time of reflection for me

where I wonder

if I really like

me

who I am today

who I'm becoming

and if there is more to this life of mine

that I haven't found yet"

~~~~~

Some friends might actually

hear what you just said

probably not understanding it

yet choosing to decide

you're worth standing with a little longer

in hopes that you'll start talking about your kids

BUT

I think most people

would immediately become a little dizzy

unsure of what they thought they just heard

and then quickly check their watch

and come up with some excuse

for being in a hurry

and then off they'd run
at a maddening speed

towards the produce aisle

never to be seen again

~~~~~

So if you're shopping

somewhere near me

and you see a woman

with a terrified look on her face

rounding a corner

at full speed to get out off the grocery store

I just might be

close by

~~~~~

having decided

to be a little more honest

with at least

myself

a breath of fresh air

with my youngest being 16

it's been

what feels like a lifetime

since I've been to the zoo

So

on Sunday

I'm not really sure why

but

I decided that was where I needed to be

I've never been to the zoo

by myself

I've always had my children

with me

to show me the way

~~~~~

So

I

wandered and watched and laughed

while

taking photos of my new friends

and

discovered that the zoo

at any point in your life

is an incredble place

to be

as long as you are surrounded

by anyone or anything

that can make you

smile

let's be honest.....

I usually hestitate recommending movies to people

unless I know them well enough

to know that they won't hate me if I end up wasting their time

when they watch a movie

that they didn't like

or they didn't get

or was just okay

only because I told them that

I loved it.

~~~~~
But this summer

we've been watching more movies than usual

maybe because, oh I don't know....

I'm lazy

and

I love my couch !!

~~~~~

I pick and choose the movies

John does not.

He leaves it totally up to me

so that he can get through the next day

without the constant reminder of

"oh yeah, well that movie you picked last night,

well it sucked!!"

~~~~~

So now it's my turn

to share my summer movies

with you.

AND REMEMBER

I don't usually do this....

so

if you watch them

and hate them...

well,

maybe it was because you had too much cheap tequila ahead of time

and oh, I don't know...

fell asleep before the movie even started !!

~~~~~

So

in no particular order

~~~~~

~lars and the real girl~

~martian child~

~august rush~

~the bucket list~

~forgetting Sarah Marshall~

~death at a funeral~

~freedom writers~

~~~~~

and

since I'm putting it all out there

I can take it

the good

the bad

even the ugly

if you want

to share your feelings

about any of my suggestions

~~~~~

just remember

in all honesty

I'm not that nice...

~~~~~

well

unless I've had too much of the above mentioned

cheap tequila...

and then based on personal experience

that's when you'll find me

in a hot tub

that's not mine

wearing a bikini

that's not mine

throwing out the idea

that being topless

is a good thing....

oops, maybe I'll save that story

for another post

on another day

~~~~~

last night

I tossed and turned

with my eyes pinched tight,

knowing that I was adding more depth
to the already furrowed lines living between my brows,

but it seemed like the only answer

for keeping the blinding light

from the night's

sky

from piercing through me

~~~~~

Then the heavy thunder followed

and weighted me down like I had

an elephant on my chest

and I found my breathing

becoming shallow

~~~~~

The rain heaved itself

against my bedroom windows

sounding like an ocean

knocking loudly

and

impatiently

wanting to come inside

~~~~~

I couldn't get away from it

so I slowly curled my body into itself

and with my head buried deep

in my pillow

I dreamt that

I was floating away

~~~~~

And when morning arrived

undisturbed

and I was still here

I had to pinch myself

to remember who I was

~~~~~

In other words....

~WOW~

we had the mother of all storms last night !!!

written maybe

She was a determined little soul,

never wanting anyone close enough to feel the fighting going on in her mind.

She would sit still, almost lifeless in the morning lull, hearing only her own breathing, feeling only her own thoughts, wondering where to go from here.

~~~~~

Then slowly, one by one, the birds would come and their insistent singing would break a hole in her cherished silence, forcing her to listen to something besides the beating of her own heart.

She promised her eyes to close,

just to listen

and while she swam in the stillness of it all,

the day disappeared.

~~~~~

And when the dusky evening finally arrived with it's gentleness and the silence was upon her once again,

along with the fighting,

she decided she to had to write.

~~~~~

Approaching what felt like endless hours, some of the fighting thoughts that had filled her mind had withered away and now lived on the paper in front of her.

Maybe if her thoughts were written words instead of jumbled and floating in her mind,

they just might make some sense to her...

something she could now touch, something she could erase, something she could spend hours just looking at

or

maybe because on paper

her words just might make sense.

~~~~~

But it was a struggle.

The words crept slowly out of her. And as she carefully lifted her hand from the page to actually see the words that she had pleaded with, that had finally decided to flow freely,

she realized they didn't seem to make any sense to her after all. They were locked together, still fighting on paper, the same way they were in her mind...

and looking and feeling rather foreign.

~~~~~

She didn't want to start over, so she looked at each word carefully and decided which ones needed to stay and which ones could go.

And when she finished, she inhaled her long overdue breath, realizing that no matter what she did now, no matter what she wrote today or tomorrow,

those thoughts in her mind were still there,

refusing to leave completely.

But maybe those thoughts were now a little fresher and maybe she felt a little less congested, a little more settled and maybe even a little more confident.

~~~~~

So then she stopped.

And thought.

Maybe it wasn't fighting that was going on in her mind. Maybe her thoughts were only struggling to make sense

that she had mistaken them for fighting.

And maybe she had let others close enough to see her

and to know her.

And maybe, just maybe

her written words were all she needed....

in order to feel.

moving ever so slightly.....

Our quiet little cottage

brings a sense of stillness that is hard to put into words.

Maybe because nothing is actually still

while we are there.

~~~~~

The turned leaves on the trees

sway side to side

no matter how gentle the breeze is.

~~~~~
The prairie grasses dance

almost perfectly to the beat of the music

we always have playing.

~~~~~

The birds dive and disappear

into the feeders

as if they have never eaten a single seed.

~~~~~

The furry striped chipmunks

bounce all around the fringed edge

of our yard,

searching for the peanuts

I leave out for them.

~~~~~

The ceiling fans cycle constantly

bringing down wisps of cool air

that tickle the back of our necks.

~~~~~

And the hummingbirds

flit by in their iridescent colors

and I catch my breath

while I watch in amazement at their gentleness.

~~~~~

So maybe it's just our hearts that are still

when we are at the cottage,

and maybe our heads, too.

An overall stillness

wrapped up in quiet

that is almost tangible.

I guess when the most important question of any day

that someone might ask is

"is there any more lemonade"

will do that to a person...

quiet them down

and make them thankful

to have some place

that will take them away

and let them

believe in just about anything.

I think I know me......

I'm standing on the beach, where the white sand in between my toes clings on for dear life. The sky is a required shade of blue, yet I can see the orange of the falling sun fighting its way through every tiny opening with hopes of catching a ride to earth.

My body is bronzed from the day's brilliant sun and my mind is empty now that my cooped up thoughts have drifted with the ocean waves back into the deep pockets of the coming night.

Tired eyes keep blinking not wanting to miss any of the blinding darkness that's decending upon me and then I think I hear the silence....actually, I see it....I can even feel it..... then the sky turns multiple shades of black and the day I just lived lays its head on the floating ocean.

My legs feel stiff as I stand on the hard, damp sand at the water's edge where I step on the shells burying themselves for the day, but yet I take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the sweet ocean air and feel like I could become one with the beach.

And when my arms are stretched wide and open as I reach up and hug the cool air around me, I close my eyes and I think I see you. I wonder who you are and wether or not you've been watching me all this time.

Then with heavy steps, I head towards the boardwalk and I feel you following me with my your eyes, thinking maybe you are scared to come any closer to me and then I start to run....I run with everything I have and when I finally stop to catch my breath, pleading with my lungs to work faster for me, I slowly turn my head around....then side to side...and you are gone. I search and search, but even the sand shows no signs of you.

Into the depth of the late night, where I now lay motionless, believing I am dreaming, again you are there. You are protecting me from the sounds I hear that don't make any sense and you are warming every chilled inch of my body with yours. You look into my eyes and tell me to never be afraid. You tell me you know me. You tell me you have always known me. And then I search deep, almost through you, into the depths of us to make sure that not only do you know me, but more importantly, that I know me.

And when the morning sun falls in through the blinds and my body thrives on the early dawn's warmth, I can hardly move. Or maybe I just don't want to move, since moving any inch of my body might make me feel real. So I slowly close my eyes and you appear again. You tell me I am perfect. You tell me not to apologize for anything I say or feel. You tell me again that you know me. And this time, I throw my head back, my arms up and scream at the top of my voice....."I'm alive, this is real, this is my life" and as I get my breathing back under control, my eyes are open wide and I slowly start running back to the beach, knowing that it's there that I belong. It's always been there. It's always been the beach.

don't blink....

I read so many blogs by women who have small children

and I wonder if they really have any idea what the future holds for them.

My guess is no!

At an early age we knew this one of ours could charm the pants off of us

with just a wink of an eye

and as the years have gone by

he has entertained us with many of his other talents....

speaking all day with an english or scottish accent

sleeping until noon

farting on command

burping the alphabet

and

taking showers that last an hour

but

DANCING....

Now this is where he really cracks us up.

This is at camp where "his group" was making up a dance routine

to a Hannah Montana song to be performed later that evening

for the little campers.

I asked him about the shirt...like dude, you look like a girl !

and when we got to see the final video

of the dance routine it made sense....

all the boys were dressed like girls !
And of course, I must say, he looked adorable
in his white eyelet skirt...AND
his size 12 tennis shoes....
a look only his mother could love
and then it hit me~
these kids really do change
everyday
right before our eyes
and I don't want to ever miss any of it...
so from now on,
I'm done blinking!