too often
he doesn't realize how hard it is to be his mother
~~
too often
he doesn't realize how much I love him and want to protect him forever
~~
too often
he doesn't realize
that on the nights he keeps me awake with worry
and
my bed pillows swell with tears
that
I want to run away for a bit and become someone else
~~
but
I can't
because
I'm his mom
and
mom's aren't supposed to run away
ever
~~
but
they can think about it
*
Dearest Beth, I am so sorry to read this, when I read of how your bed pillow swells with tears made my heart break. Here is to better days or ((nights))PS:Even the best moms are allowed to think about it! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteWe have no idea when they are newborsn in our arms...NONE.. how much they will fill our heart, and break it too...and the worry never ends... never..
ReplyDeleteWorth it? Yes 1,000 fold, but there is always that.
sheeesh, yes.....
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Momma...I hope he will see it all clearly one day.
ReplyDeleteLove to you !
I totally understand how you feel ... and my little guy is only 16 months old. I can't even imagine how the worry must compound as they grow up! It's just all part of being a mom, I guess. :o)
ReplyDeleteand love never fails ...
ReplyDeleteOh yea you are intitel to wanna run away, that you don't is a first. Never ever can mums run away no matter what. I hope you and your husband are able to share your tears on the same pillow. Share will make it a little lighter and so I hope for you writting about it did too. He will know you will always be there for him.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and sending out some prayers. Be well my dearest. Stay strong, you can, even if you have moments like this.
Hugs Dagmar
Everyone has those days for wanting to run from it all...to be carefree again...but when your a Mom seems like the job is never done. Have a wonderful Sunday!
ReplyDeletegorgeous photo, and hopefully one day he will understand what he is doing to you.
ReplyDeleteyes. yes, I know. I think for all they (yours, mine) might roll their eyes and slide 'whatEVER' out of the sides of their mouths, seeing OUR (the moms') genuine emotions in response to their choices, their behaviors, stays present in their brains, influences them in ways they won't possibly assimilate NOW (when we want them to), but definitely enter them, penetrate, and store up on them. I'm seeing some of this in my oldest; not at all, yet, in my 18 year old. sigh. I hug you, Baby, I do.
ReplyDeleteYes, we can think about it. But we won't. That's why we're Moms.
ReplyDelete:-)
Such a common sentiment amongst mothers who love their sons too much! Beautifully written...
ReplyDeletewe can think about it, but they have such a strong pull on our hearts that we know we will never get far... or ever want to.
ReplyDeletethis photos is amazing...again...amazing...you are just amazing with that camera of yours.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteand as my mom told me (then -- when i would roll my eyes and again now when i listen with my whole heart) -- there comes a time when all you can do as a mother is just love with all your heart. sending you strength, my friend.
ReplyDeletexx
s
Oh yes Beth - from one momma's heart to another - yes. The love we have for our children is the strongest love there is. And it never stops - even when they grow older. May your heart be certain and steady and strong with the same love.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Lori
Big sigh.
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs.
xo
Totally natural to worry, thats what good moms do.
ReplyDeleteTotally natural to want to run away, that's what good moms do.
The good news is, they will appreciate you, in time.
The bad news is, no matter how old they get, you'll still worry.
Just comes with the territory.
Listen to me, gettin all Dr Phil on you. I'm surely no expert. Just my opinion.
If you didn't worry....something would be wrong.
Sounds to me like your a good, normal mom.
The time just flies by so quickly! It breaks my heart! I hope everything gets back to normal again soon!
ReplyDelete"i will meet you somewhere" she whispers in a quiet understanding voice....
ReplyDeleteOh I have thought of it so many times. Then I tell him who else cares so much that I will hang in there for him. Sometimes I feel he takes advantage of the mother's love and doesn't handle it with respect. It is tough being a mom, it is not for the faint of heart.
ReplyDeleteoh yes, we are allowed to think about it...
ReplyDeletea lot.
xoxo
Being a parent is a lifelong commitment of our hearts and souls. We just have to do our best when they're young and pray, pray, pray.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and prayers your way....
The mom in us is all that keeps us going sometimes. I felt guilty allover again for the times I had to be away from my kids after reading your poem.
ReplyDeleteThe mom in us is all that keeps us going sometimes. I felt guilty allover again for the times I had to be away from my kids after reading your poem.
ReplyDeletebeing a mom is a tough job. And you my dear are an incredible mother. Sending you a great big hug.
ReplyDeleteI am sure every mother has felt this way only you expressed it better......you sound like a wonderful mother full of love for your son.
ReplyDeleteLove the deer photo.....:-) Hugs
AMEN SISTER...
ReplyDeleteits at 24-7 365 day job forever....xox
((hugs)) yes, they can...and they do sometimes i know. my sister feels this too.
ReplyDeleteOof, motherhood is SUCH a collision of emotions isn't it?
ReplyDeleteYes, we do think about it, and it can often be the only release we have... someday he will see the heartache, and he will know that it is because you love him so... someday, mi amor... until then there is nothing for it but to cry your tears, and continue on as you so bravely have...
ReplyDelete(((hugs))),
love,
me
those hard moments...
ReplyDeletethis too shall pass.
sending lots of positive vibes your way beth.
you are a lovely soul.
xo
Holding you close in my heart...
ReplyDeleteNo wisdom share here, as I am still a few feet behind you on this path, just sending you love through the cosmos...
beautiful photo and post--he will understand one day and you will cry tears of happiness-c
ReplyDeleteAbig hug my friend, it makes my heart melt, I wish you no more pillows filled with tears....I have no kids, but I was a bad kid and eventually I turned out just fine, thanks to my parents...you wait and see Beth,,,,one day wil be different.Prayers too you.
ReplyDeleteBeth, you're not alone. Thank you so much for putting feelings into words. We love you for sharing something so deep in your heart. I have had experiences in my life where I had no one else to turn to except for God and that is a good thing. He has proven to me that He can be trusted.
ReplyDeleteThe only advice I can give, is -- Grab hold of God and don’t let go! For He'll never leave you, He's always at your side, He love you - and your son - unconditionally. You can cry at His side as much as you like, and He will dry your tears... (((Ida)))
Oh I have so wanted to run away! A few times I just closed my eyes...just for a time. Pretended not to see! It is a tough job to be a mom!
ReplyDeleteHugs
SueAnn
Such beautiful words and an image that is so atmospheric. You have a truly special gift to be able to create this blog.
ReplyDeletePlease know all mothers feel this way at times but .... 'all things must pass'
Can I have an "AMEN, SISTA!"?
ReplyDeletePerfect. Just perfect.
Beautiful. To love a child and have your heart broken by them. We never know that's what we sign up for - fierce, all-encompassing love and heartache. But there is always the love.
ReplyDeleteOh Beth, I send you a heartfelt hug. I'll pray your son will be kept safe as he finds his way in the world. And I dread when mine grows up and starts testing things on his own. He's only 11...
ReplyDelete...I can remember my mom saying "Just wait until you are a mother"...and I can remember saying to my children "Just wait until you are a mother!"...and now they are saying to my grandchildren.."Just wait until you are a parent!"...The waiting and worrying is worth it...and they get it in the end!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, kiddo. They SO don't get it, do they? And knowing one day they will is little consolation when the pillow is damp with your tears. Just know we are all sending warmth and love your way.
ReplyDeleteI have to do the blog clean-up thing -- new folks to add, some no longer have their blogs (one I can't bear to remove!). Winter cleaning, perhaps, for it won't wait till spring.
ReplyDeleteSome mothers do run away. Repeatedly. Mine did. I'll never know if she was happy about that. I only know she went and never looked back.
ReplyDeleteLove this picture with this post. I send you love & hugs.
we can think about it, but the good ones choose to stay. you're the good one.
ReplyDeleteUgh...I get it. Hang in there sweetie. Sometimes they have to learn for themselves. Just hold love in your heart and stay close...
ReplyDeleteBig ((hugs)).
Thankyou Beth ... I needed your beautiful poignant post and also to read all the meaningful comments from those that have been there and done that. My lad is a good lad, but he's just growing up and pushing boundaries and needing freedoms that make me worry and worry and worry. Tears fall on my pillow too because of having to 'let go' ... but it seems that our love will smooth the way and eventually they will 'get it' ... we've just got to breath through those moments...and exhale :)
ReplyDeletethe hours spent trying to figure out the best way to parent..... two days ago this post could have been written by me, just change the he to a she.
ReplyDeletebut the next day like you i get up and try to start again that is our job right and there are days too where i wish someone would fire me already :)
hang in there! xo kt
Wow, what a wonderful thoughtful post (poem?) and so true. We swedes are brought up to think that it is not about winning, then we go out in the world and meet other people and realize it really is about winning, not just to join in.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
I loved reading through the replies to your beautiful post. Comforting to see how we share the same experience of motherhood. And I love the choice of picture for this post!
ReplyDeleteI love you sweet friend. I do.
ReplyDeleteSo does he. You know that, right? Yes. I knew you did.
Being a mom is the hardest job in the world and I have so much respect for moms. Too often, I think people undervalue the respect a mom deserves.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. One day, he will appreciate who you are.
I am not a mother but I am told that is one thing about being a mother that never goes away....you never stop worrying.
ReplyDelete*giving you a big hug*