how do i ever say thank you.....

where do i begin. how do i begin. 

~

i guess i'll start by saying that if anyone had told me years ago, "once you start blogging and putting yourself out there, you'll never stand alone" 

i probably would have turned and walked away, while thinking "what a nut job" 

~

on a daily basis, especially when things are good, the love and support i receive from all of you, 

from all over the world,  is what keeps me doing what i love to do. 

writing, sharing, taking photos and generally just loving life. 

but 

the support and love and understanding and compassion 

that all of you have sent my way in the past 48 hours

has literally kept me afloat.

my world had become blurry

and

i was sinking

~

confusion and anger does that to a person. so do tears. but with the outpouring of love from all of you, the confusion became clearer, the anger subsided a bit and the tears slowed down. 

with all of you behind me, cheering me on

"you can do this" 

"you will get through this"

i woke up this morning believing it and feeling lighter. that someone else was carrying the load for me

of course with all of your prayers

we know who that someone is

~

so thank you. all of you.

for being here and giving me what i needed.

~~

for all of the personal emails, thank you. for all of you who have stood where i'm standing now, bless you. for all of you who have ever thought "i can't share my personal life here" you can.

~~

i wanted to respond to each and everyone of your comments, but i felt overwhelmed in doing so. i hope you can truly appreciate this group thank you.

and 

the mushrooms 

well they represent of all of us 

standing together and supporting each other 

*

Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again.The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. ~ Pema Chödrön

when it's not all pretty...

sometimes

it good to be real and honest

or

at least a bit more real and a bit more honest

~

sure, i could dress up this post with beautiful words to cover up how i'm really feeling and throw in some amazing photos that would lead you all down a path of thinking i live in a fairytale, but that's not what i'm going to do today. i'm also not going to share all the real ugliness behind how i'm feeling, because that's a weight only i can carry and the details at this point don't really matter.

but what i am going to say is that sometimes life 

just isn't as beautiful as that museum piece of art we thought it might be. 

~

we have had some struggles lately with our son. he has recently made some poor decisions and choices that have ultimately come back to land on our shoulders. a weight so heavy that we feel like we've been in a bad game of football, where we're the only ones being tackled to the ground. 

not surprising, each time we get back up, we check our mouth guards to make sure none of our teeth have fallen out in the process.

~

i've always had the belief that "it could be worse" while dealing with anything "bad" and maybe that's what has kept me sane all these years, but this time, i've been feeling a bit less hopeful with some of the things that are going on and that's just not how i like to live.

but luckily, i talked to a neighborhood friend this morning, after our paths crossed on our morning walks and her son, who seems to have been made from a very similar mold as my son, 

has finally started to turn things around, 

and as she spoke, i thought maybe i saw the glimmer of a light. 

that light they say you see eventually. that light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

~

okay

i realize that no matter what i write, i do throw in "pretty" words. well not actually pretty words, but words that well, you know what i mean. it's just how i write. 

so even though i said i wouldn't, i think i did.

~

anyhow

at this point, i guess i'm just asking for lots and lots of good thoughts from all of you, for our son.

oh, what the heck,  let's go for full blown out prayers.

and 

with the leftover ones, well you can throw those towards me and my hubby. 

we'll gladly take them.

and

no matter what 

i know in my heart

i really do

that things could be so much worse

*

{ps...i'm thrilled it's august, only because this is my birthday month. not thrilled that summer is passing us by way too quickly and the fact that i'm seeing trees losing their leaves already, but thrilled that i'll have candles to make a wish on}

you so yummy....

i couldn't help it. 

i couldn't stop myself from taking this photo and sharing it with all of you 

as a thank you 

for all the antidotes and concoctions you shared in regards to sleeplessness and menopause.

~

now all together

let's walk hand in hand and shout 

"me so yummy"

*

{heck, let's chant this everyday for the rest of the year}

no tips today, but can you give me one....

okay women

{especially those of you who are my age or older}

what do you use to help you sleep at night 

when menopause raises it's ugly head and steals your slumber

~

i just read that sleeplessness from menopause could be a major symptom for years

and

if that's the case

i am so pissed

{as if all the other symptoms weren't enough}

but

i'm ready to put on my boxing gloves and fight

as long as you can tell what i should be fighting with

~

thanking you ahead of time for anything you can share with me

*

a mood doesn't always have to be bad....

these photos were beautiful before i even touched them

and

maybe i should have just left them alone

but

for some reason

the viewfinder boxes

seemed to capture the mood i am in

isn't that the case with most things

~

i know when i get dressed,  it's my mood that dictates what i wear. 

it's also my mood that dictates what i eat, when i eat, who i talk to, what work i get done, where i go, what i buy, how i write, what i photograph, if i have a glass of wine, when i pick up the phone and who i want to spend time with.

~

so call me moody....but in a good way.

*

i'm a mom through and through and always will be....

it's already wednesday and i want to scream "wait. i want a do over. or at least give me one day back.

~

yesterday i cleaned. not my house. but the house where my son and 4 other boys have been living. 

the house where 213 of their closet friends have been hanging out for months.

it was disgusting and i had to shower afterwards to rid myself of the grime that had somehow slathered itself all over my body, like poorly applied lotion, BUT i have to admit, that it's been along time since i've worked so hard on something, where i could stand back and really admire the results.

don't worry. i wasn't alone. my son and the other boys were helping me. and sure they could have done it without my help. but guess what. 20 year old boys still need their mothers or at least a mother figure around when it comes to cleaning a 4 bedroom house that's going back on the rental market. 20 year old boys also need a mother around around to scare the crap out of the above mentioned friends when they stop over in the middle of our cleaning project. 

"don't even think about coming in here today or any other day this week. do you understand me. you are not to set foot on these premises anytime this week. got it"

yep. those were my exact words,

spoken  in a low voice while i gave them a look that they don't ever want to see again.

~

whew. okay. enough of that.

the sunflower field down the road from us should be completely filled in by this weekend. 

i was there this past sunday and only a hundred of the thousands of flowers had opened up. 

also, i found some strangers to jump for me, so that made for the perfect afternoon. 

i love this photo. i call it half awake.

so since i'm now out of words

 {due to fog brain caused by inhaling too many cleaning products yesterday}

and

you're probably tired of reading 

i'll keep it simple by showing you the rest of the photos from our weekend

you know i love kids....

and

this past friday

i was lucky enough to spend 2 hours with children between the ages of 2 and 4 as they played and created and laughed. all of this took place at the glitter workshop, here in madison and if you're local and reading this and have little ones that need to do something this summer, you can still sign up. i'll be going back to take more photos....and ummm, maybe to play. it was really hard for me to walk by the glue and tissue paper table and not make anything.

i will have to say though, i think the salt and food coloring table was the big hit of the day, especially for the boys.

i can hardly wait to see what theresa has planned this week.