how do I protect him now...

remember

when you could just slide a baby gate into place and be reassured that your child would be

safe from harm

and

you'd be considered a good mom for doing so

?

yeah

me too

~~

I can remember days when an ear piercing

screaming baby who hadn't slept for hours

could bring me to my knees with a pain that was similar to walking on broken glass

but still

I cuddled him and kept his little body safe

~~

I can remember chasing after a toddler for days on end

while he explored his world that I had determined safe with every step he took

wondering if this if what it felt to train for a marathon

~~

I can remember sitting in the front row at a school play

praying that my child wearing a costume that I had created at home in the late hours of the previous week

remembered where he was supposed to stand

knowing how embarrassed he'd be if he forgot

and

that somehow if he did

I'd feel as if it were my fault

~~

and

then all of a sudden he grew too fast and spiraled upwards through the middle school years

with a speed that would challenge a tornado

fighting the sports I wanted him to play

and

complaining about every class and every teacher

and

left everything blurry and kind of windburned

but

I loved him for who he was becoming

~~

which brings us to today

where I am worried all the time

about the boy who towers over me now and has a zest for life

with a

"nothing can harm me"

attitude

that causes me to lose hours of sleep

and

frustrates me and scares me

and

often makes me wonder if I did too much

or not enough

~~

but

now I think back

realizing he's always had that attitude

and

I've always loved that part of his personality

but

when all of that is wrapped up into a teenager instead of 4 year old

or a 13 year old

it takes on a life of it's own

which can bring a parent back to her knees

~~

but

this time

to pray

*