July 9, 2009

how do I protect him now...

remember
when you could just slide a baby gate into place and be reassured that your child would be
safe from harm
and
you'd be considered a good mom for doing so
?
yeah
me too
~~
I can remember days when an ear piercing
screaming baby who hadn't slept for hours
could bring me to my knees with a pain that was similar to walking on broken glass
but still
I cuddled him and kept his little body safe
~~
I can remember chasing after a toddler for days on end
while he explored his world that I had determined safe with every step he took
wondering if this if what it felt to train for a marathon
~~
I can remember sitting in the front row at a school play
praying that my child wearing a costume that I had created at home in the late hours of the previous week
remembered where he was supposed to stand
knowing how embarrassed he'd be if he forgot
and
that somehow if he did
I'd feel as if it were my fault
~~
and
then all of a sudden he grew too fast and spiraled upwards through the middle school years
with a speed that would challenge a tornado
fighting the sports I wanted him to play
and
complaining about every class and every teacher
and
left everything blurry and kind of windburned
but
I loved him for who he was becoming
~~
which brings us to today
where I am worried all the time
about the boy who towers over me now and has a zest for life
with a
"nothing can harm me"
attitude
that causes me to lose hours of sleep
and
frustrates me and scares me
and
often makes me wonder if I did too much
or not enough
~~
but
now I think back
realizing he's always had that attitude
and
I've always loved that part of his personality
but
when all of that is wrapped up into a teenager instead of 4 year old
or a 13 year old
it takes on a life of it's own
which can bring a parent back to her knees
~~
but
this time
to pray
*









29 comments:

  1. Beth, you sure can bring me to tears, I so feel for what you are going through. I worried my parents an immense amount, but somehow found my way back to what they had taught me. I pray you can find some peace with him now. You are a loving mother. It will all be okay. Cinner

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  2. and that is the best place for any mom to be.

    i know that the prayers of my mom are what carry me everyday.

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  3. Hi beth

    and praying and crossing your fingers is about all you can do because reason does not often work nor cajoling, bribing, berating or begging...

    So it all comes down to trust and keep on loving them no matter what...

    Happy days

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  4. nothing like kids to bring you to your knees.

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  5. beth - your words are so beautiful. you capture the feelings so well. since i became pregnant with my first child, everyday i have questioned myself whether every decision i take is the right one for my children. and after eight years of doing that, i feel as if the worries seem to escalate as they grow older. as claire says, i think praying is all we can do.

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  6. Now with Evan leaving in a few days to be assigned to the Air Force Special Ops division, where he will spends months when we do not know where he is and if he'll be all right, in the Sandbox, as they call it 'over there' some unidentified spit of geography. The only thing I can do is ask you to scooch over so I can join you down there on your knees.

    Next to you where all you can hear me whisper is, "Amen. Your will, not mine...amen."

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  7. I hope there will come a day when your son reads his mother's words and see the depth of love you have for him...It is such a gift to have this kind of love to grow from...
    Adding my prayers to yours, beautiful Mother.

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  8. Oh my, very beautifully expressed and easy to relate. I have the blessings of a very close relationship with my son who, even at 30, keeps me in my mom-mode and offering up prayers. The issues change with their ages, but our heartfelt prayers for their safety and peace-filled happiness continue. We ought to add a little prayer at the end of our requests for our own children ... to bundle the efforts on behalf of all of the "children". I will certainly keep you and yours in mind, as I ask for them all to be protected and guided in choosing each day the steps to their own authentic selves.

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  9. Sometimes I feel so on the outside looking in, as I couldn't have children. But I guess it's something all parents go through, or seem to!! And I bet most pray!

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  10. Beth~ Your words are so heartfelt and so very true. You never stop worrying...the things that are worried about seem to change and grow in seriousness as they get older. I swear it is a wonder I get any sleep as my "nighttime" prayer list is so long! I wish you peace and the strength (that you already have) to get through whatever you need to...big hugs!

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  11. Excellent post, so well stated. Hugs darlin' I know you raised him well and it will all be ok.

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  12. Oh Beth, this really spoke to my heart! I have three girls, two of them grown and living two states away, the youngest about to turn sixteen later this month. You may know the oldest one, Cam, from Journey Wildly. All three of them have turned into the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing creatures I could have ever hoped for. Being happy for them, however, doesn't make their absence any easier to bear, once they leave home. I've spent their whole lives trying to teach them to be what they are, and now I've started on the learning journey-learning how to let go. Time has gone by so very quickly since they were born.

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  13. Your writing causes me to pause every time I read you.Beth, I have been right there with you, on my knees until they go numb.THIS TOO SHALL PASS. My son is 25, stationed in The Army. nuff said.

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  14. Beautiful....simply beautiful.

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  15. Hi Beth, We must be walking the same path everyday. Yes, I feel exactly the same as you do about your son. It is a scary place to be.

    Thanks for visitng my blog and listening. Our counselor hasn't really diagnosed Neil with bi-polar yet, but definately saw so many of those traits in him even in our first visit. She is probably going to send him to someone else for further therapy about being bi-polar.

    We are just taking it one day at the time now. He seems very relieved that I have taken her advice to let him go. It is so hard though. Just like you, I can't seem to give up being his protector. Life is so much faster than when we started out on our own. That must be what is so scary to us as mother's. It is sort-of unknown to us because we didn't live at this break-neck pace.

    Take it day by day, we'll walk through this together. As my friend says "Baby steps, Teresa, Baby steps".

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  16. I ADORE this poem, beth. makes me cry. I can picture my mom crying for the same thing.

    p.s. you can have those home places on my blog. we both can. let's do it, make it happen.


    i want them now...
    but first i have to make some more money.
    and finish paying student loans.

    hope your day is blessed!

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  17. Oh, Beth, you simply could not have said it better. Eloquent, poignant, beautiful; a heart stripped bare to reveal the pain and concern inside.

    I know others are as much with you as I and that many of us have experienced those same fears -- oh, and they ARE fearless, aren't they? And they just don't get it, and we do. You know the drill -- you love him, you're there, you do your best, you hang in, and -- it bears repeating, though you know it so well -- you love him.

    I'm just sorry you have to go through this when you are all split across the country, but don't you feel that big warm comforter of love wrapping around you through cyberspace, to try to keep you safe and strong, too?

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  18. I can't imagine as a mother how difficult this is...I worry enough with nieces and nephews.

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  19. AnonymousJuly 09, 2009

    Sweetheart....Grandma Ruby always said.."when they're little, they're little problems, and when they're big, they're bigger problems". As a Mother, you never quit worrying about your kids, cause it goes with the territory. You love them beyond words, but that doesn't mean that you have to like what they do all of the time. You know that we're here for you to lean on whenever you need us...cause we're YOUR parents, and we love you...and worry about YOU too. It's a circle of love that never ends.....
    Giant hugs, Mom

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  20. AnonymousJuly 09, 2009

    OMG - Beth, our parenting is sooo much alike! The only thing that kept me sane when Ali was this age was to remember what I was doing when I was that age. So, please remember your wild streak at that age and think what YOUR parents felt in their wobbly souls. And look at you today. Woo hoo! You can never stop worrying, though. Doesn't that little gem kill you?
    shell xoxoxoox

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  21. I wrote about my son yesterday so this strikes a cord. My daughter is a teenager and you could be writing about my relationship with her. Time goes by so quickly. I believe that if we lay solid roots at home our trees will be strong :)

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  22. wow, beth. i know from what i know of you, that you have established such a grounded environment as a mother, that things will be alright. i can not imagine what it is like, so i won't even pretend to. i have not even experienced the toddler or 13-year-old stage as a mother. not even the infant stage. so i can not comprehend it. but i know you are a strong woman that will get through this stage, as will the son that i'm certain loves you and cares about your concern for him, even if he does not always show it.

    i'm glad you have this place to write out your thoughts. it has to be such a good thing for you. i'm curious. does your son ever read your blog?

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  23. Hi Beth,

    Although I can't offer any words of wisdom, a friend of mine can!

    She and some other friends have set up 'Mad Manic Mamas' (and Dads!) to offer sympathy and a laugh for parents with 'Teen Terrorists'. You might like to take a look, if you don't know of it already.

    http://madmanicmamas.blogspot.com

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  24. every day ~ all day

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  25. I think the term "growing pains" should be applied to parents, as well. I teeter, daily, between being heart-broken and over-joyed by the effects of time on my kiddo. I dream of time machines and fountains of youth, to tell you the truth! The little boy sweetness that I can sense slowly fading out of my son is heart crushing to me and often his father doesn't get it. But I get you on this. I really do. I'm sure the man your son is slowly growing towards will be kind hearted and make the right decisions at the end of the day. Especially when he has a mom that's part mermaid and filled with wonder. Enjoy your weekend. :)

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  26. I read your post as my 2 young sons (6 & 9) wrestled in the next room. They are growing up so fast, testing their independence, but still come back to me at the end of the day for sweet hugs. I envision the days ahead where those hugs are few and farther between. Heartache! But I grow as they grow. Although I think I resist the changes more than they do. Thanks for sharing.

    And thanks for visiting my blog too!

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  27. I'm not a mother so I can't relate directly but your love is so strong and evident Beth and I know that, as a daughter, that ultimately counts for all! I've been thinking about this a lot today.

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  28. I so totaly understand your feelings. Mine are still small, considered to yours. But yet I see comming what lies ahead of me by reading and sharing your stories.
    Thanks for your words, thanks for lettting me see your wonderful loving heart throughwards your family. Being a mom is the hardest job on earth when it come to the heart.
    Your blessed to be one dear Beth.

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  29. To pray. Oh yes. And to enjoy, to cherish, to be proud of. Isn't being a mother the most awe-inspiring, scary gift?

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**I love reading the comments you leave, as they make me feel like we're sitting in my kitchen, having a cup of tea, discussing life and wondering where all the time has gone ...beth