wondering why...

I try to share what's real in my life in this space I call mine

and

because of that I have been blessed with a support group

that I refer to as

my tribe

my blog loves

my guardian angels

my friends

~~

so why someone chose to blast me and my post yesterday

is beyond me

as I was always told that

"if you can't say something nice

don't say anything at all"

~

I don't want to give the person who couldn't put a name behind their words

any time and attention on my blog

but

because I erased the comment

~with the speed of a gazelle~

which splattered itself on my screen like a bug on a windshield

and

left a few of you wondering what was going on

I felt the need to at least tell you a bit about it

~

the little snake

didn't think that having a difficult son to deal with was a big enough problem for me to write about

and

that obviously I have never had anything hard to deal with in my life

and

that I should get my head out of the clouds

and

how dare I take a mental break by going out and taking pictures

~

yep just like that

I was wounded

but with nothing a tiny band aid couldn't fix

~

what I focused on instead

were

the personal emails many of you sent to me which are now cherished gifts

along with all the comments

filled with support and love and guidance and understanding

I have to believe or at least want to believe that the person who left such an ugly note

doesn't know me

doesn't have children or teenagers

doesn't understand that I have feelings

or

~what I tend to believe~

simply

doesn't have a heart

~~

because I was sensitive and emotional and unzipped and vulnerable

I shed tears yesterday

after talking with my daughter

after talking with my hubby

after reading all the supportive notes and comments that were sent to me

after reading notes from my sister-in-law and mother-in-law

and

while talking with my mom as she gave me her shoulder

that my eyes screamed for a break while my heart was bursting with love

~~

so to the heartless nameless snake

there you go

you got time and space on my blog

which almost makes me want to vomit

and

I hope

~actually I pray~

that you go away from here and leave me alone

as obviously what I write is of no interest to you

so why waste your time here

I hope

that you are a drifter stumbling here like a drunk on a street corner

not knowing who I am

and

without the ability to ever return

~

and

to char and joyce and cindy and toni and amanda and holly and shell and eileen and cam and suzanne and claire and mel and elk and kim and roban and angelica and pixiedust and tameka and

dani and alicia and patty and kate and sam and beth and laura

thank you for holding me up while I stumbled and swayed and banged my head against the wall

during another heart wrenching nerve bending throat parching hair pulling

teenage day

*

reaching...

not only am I reaching

today

I'm grasping at straws

~

our son continues to prove himself as a child who doesn't want to be parented

and

when you're a parent who has done nothing but parent him for the past seventeen years

this is like being told not to breathe any longer

~

we've set rules and limitations only to watch them

be kicked around

stomped on

and

set on fire

~

we've tried to see things his way

which temporarily blinded us

~

we've let him the test the waters

but

he doesn't seem able to float long without being thrown a life preserver

~~

and

so I sit here wondering if I should be done saving him all the time

and let him spit water out of his mouth when he goes a little bit too deep

and

chokes and coughs

or

if I should actually start un-parenting him even more than I have been

in trying to help him grow

in hopes of making him realize that when he stumbles

he's far from the adult he thinks he is

~~

as I sat here thinking about all of this

my thoughts made me claustrophobic

and

I had to leave the house for a bit

~~

so with my camera bag packed

I took off

even though the skies were still grey from

the perfectly hung rain we'd had all morning

~

as soon as I got to my destination

just a few miles down the road

the skies opened up again and flooded my entire being with rain drops heavy enough to knock a small child to the ground

which forced me back in my car where I sat and watched the raindrops splatter across my windshield like cookie dough being dropped from a spoon onto a cookie sheet

~

I put my head back

and

reminded myself that there could be so many worse things happening in my life right now

besides an unruly teen that has aged me terribly this summer

but

then I thought nope

there's not

at least right now there's not

~

this is bad

this is not good

this is the worse thing I've dealt with as a parent

and

it sucks

~

so I'm reaching and looking and searching and praying for answers

and

I'm hanging onto the edge of that parenting pool that is so easy to drown in

with every ounce of strength I have

because

I'm competitive

and

this is the game of life

at least it's the game of my life

and

I refuse to put the game board back in it's box and tuck it on the top shelf of the closet only to be brought out again when friends come to visit

nope

this game board is front and center

~

I just wish we weren't playing it so miserably right now

*

gotta love the sun...

it's wednesday already

which can only mean one thing

~self portraits~

and

if you're like me

I love the first photo where you can't even see my face which defeats the purpose of spc wednesday but since I rarely like any photos of myself

I think this one is perfect

maybe even the best one taken all year

and

after all the scary baseball cap wearing pictures of me last wednesday

with my serious serial killer like face

I thought it only fair that you see what I look like most of the time

and

when I'm playing with you

trying to figure out if you're pulling my leg

and

you're wondering if I just pulled yours

you get this kind of look

~kind of bad ass~

*

{and yes....I'm still playing over here}

sometimes bigger is better...

first

this is beth

not me beth

but a new blogger beth

who also lives in madison and who I got to meet in person this past weekend

at a sweet little street fair

where she was selling totally cool stuff

she's the one to blame for a new love that I have

and

a new place to shop

~~

it's called the uw swap and obviously has something to do with the university

and

is only open on fridays and is like a flea market inside

except their prices are firm

and

it's

kind of heaven like

if you like this sort of thing

this is john looking at the chalkboard we just bought

thinking "damn that's a big one"

this is john double checking the measurements

10 feet x 4 feet

and

still thinking "damn that's a big one"

this is this morning after I called friends of my son

and

said

HELP

I have a big chalkboard that's heavy and I'm alone and pathetic and if I whine a little bit more will you pick up the "damn it's a big one" chalkboard for me

?

they obviously said yes

and

now I have my new love in my garage

waiting patiently to be hung

~~

our joke has been

"where do you hang a 10 foot long chalkboard"

and

of the course the answer is

"wherever it wants to be hung"

I put sophie in front of it to show you the size of it better

but

since most of you don't know sophie

I threw a regular laundry basket in front of it

~~

seriously

I'm totally over the moon on this purchase

and

since I know I'd be asking this quesiton

I'll answer it for you

~~

$30.00

*

not what we had planned, but better...

on saturday I decided I wanted to see the butterfly exhibit at the botanical gardens

and

since my hubby goes along with pretty much anything I suggest

~one of the many reasons I love him~

off we went with all my lenses

not knowing what I'd need for the best shots

~~

only to discover 3o minutes later

that everyone else within a 60 mile radius and their uncle had the same idea

so

after one quick look at the ticket line while driving by

I said, "screw this" and we headed to the back of the parking lot to turn around

where

all of a sudden a little garden jumped out at me which made me jump out of the car

and

start shooting with my itchy camera fingers

~~

BUT

then as I came around the corner of the garden

I looked at john to see if he was looking at the same thing I was

and

he was

and

we laughed and smiled and took off to get a closer look at what turned out to be an amazing

abandoned warehouse

and

immediately I was all mushy like

and

saying things like

"oh fabulous old building where have you been all my life"

"I need you for photo shoots"

and

then john gently took the camera from me and said it was his turn to take photos of me

so I let him

even though I'm not happy at all being in front of the camera

which is a disease photographers suffer from

you know

we ended up taking tons of photos

as this building just screamed for the attention we were giving it

the graffiti really didn't make any sense for the most part

but it was amazing and beautiful and I couldn't get enough of it

and

the ivy

oh my god the ivy

so now you have it

give me a choice of butterflies or an old abandoned warehouse

ahhhh

you're all starting to know me so well

*

{and the rest of the weekend....well part of it's over here}

I could...

tell you

about all of the wonderful things that john and I have done so far this weekend

but

since I'm cherishing our short time together

which means

staying away from my computer

~to the best of my ability~

I'm only going to take the time

to tell you

one thing

~~

go to the movie theatre

and

watch

"away we go"

but don't waste your money on

"500 days of summer"

~~

this is only my opinion

which means

I would love to hear what you have to say if you've seen these movies

since I obviously

disagree with the slightly brain dead movie critics and also with rotten tomatoes

in regards to what they had to say

~~

just so you know

I loved

"away we go"

so much

that I've now seen it twice within the past week

first

by myself

and

yesterday with my hubby

~~

trust me

it's a good one

*

harder than I thought....

I said "yes" to a blog challenge

not thinking for a minute that it might be hard

~

that it could actually be a difficult

{hence the word challenge}

~duh~

anyhow

katy

over at her sweet little place

asked us to play along with her

~

it's called

"inside plus outside"

where you put photos side by side of where the colors

from somewhere inside your home

match

your outside world

the first set of photos is our cottage

almost at a birds eye view

which is actually just from us climbing the hill next to us and shooting down at it

and

then a shot of my studio

which is not at the cottage but at my house

{is that considered cheating}

to go with the black and white theme

~~

and

then a shot of a bird's egg

which I thought was the same color as the floor on the three season porch at the cottage

until I got them side by side

and

then

well

not so much

~~

see

I'm not very good at this game

but

at least I tried

and

now it's your turn if you're up for the challenge

~~

come on

you know you want to try it

just to show me that you can do better than my pathetic attempt at it

~~

I'd love to see what you come up with

and

so would katy

*

just try not to smile...

to photograph a wedding

would be an amazing dream of mine

~come true~

even though

I wouldn't have a clue how to do it

and

there wouldn't be any

do-overs

and

I'd be all sweaty and nervous

but

still

I'd like to try it

someday

~~

and

now

without fear or doubt

I've decided if someone asks me to shoot their special day

I would say yes

but

only

if it's like this one

*

he loves me

he loves me not

he loves me

he loves me not

~~

he's coming home today

he loves me bunches

*

{now this is too good to miss}

warning: self portrait wednesday~the scary edition

when I get up in the morning

I have hurricane hair

that makes me wonder what I actually did while I was sleeping

~~

I'm not one who really wants anyone to see me in the mornings

but

with my 45th birthday sneaking up on me even though I've thrown out my calendar

to get rid of the evidence

I've decided to throw myself at you

raw

~~

okay

not really raw since I did throw on a little powder and mascara for these shots

but

this is as "naked" as anyone gets to see me if they don't sleep under the same roof with me

on the days I don't shower

~gasp !...did she just say she doesn't shower everyday ?~

I'm usually in the mood to just throw on my baseball cap and go

~~

sometimes

when I brush my hair it actually goes back to what it looked like the day before

in which then I run out and buy a lottery ticket

because

luck like that doesn't happen very often

but

usually I get something flipped out like this

so a few times a week

this is the head attached to the body that looks back at me in the mirror

that runs out to do errands

with hopes of seeing something beautiful and distracting

so she can take photos instead

~~

and

on this day late last week

it was cold

as in needing a sweatshirt all day cold

and

I loved it

~of course that was after "the view" was over

which I only watch in hopes of actually seeing joy sucker punch elizabeth~

*

~and here's how I spent my rainy day... yesterday~

I'm a whole lot excited...

the last time I saw this man

~the love of my life~

our heads were in the clouds

literally and figuratively

~

we were on what felt like the edge of the world

~pikes peak~

after a death.could.happen.at.any.moment.19.mile.drive to the top

on the fourth of july

~~

he's coming home

on thursday

and

I can't wait

~~

I kind of feel like a teenager

knowing that my weekend will be filled with hand holding

and

making out in the backseat of the car

{okay fine...maybe a little more than that but you know what I mean}

~~

all I know for sure

is that I don't want to let him out of my sight

and

I want to eat at our favorite restaurant while we sit side by side

and

I want a back rub

{okay fine...maybe a little more than that but you know what I mean}

~~

love is good

isn't it

?

watch where you walk...

there are so many stones along the way

~~

~the little ones that find their way into your shoes and are irritating~

~the ones you mindlessly trip over~

~the ones that you step on just right that force your foot to slide forward

and

jerk your body backwards~

~the ones you kick out of the way while your focus is on the ground

because your mind is so full you're unable to keep your head upright~

~the ones so large and important

that they act as a path to move you forward as you step on them~

~the ones so tiny that when there are hundreds of them together

they feel as warm as beach sand in your hand~

and

what about the ones that are smooth

and

just plain feel good when you touch them

and

end up going home with you after a ride in your pocket

?

I think

if you think about it

stones are just like the people we come across everyday

and

the ones that feel the best

and

are warm

and

guide us on the path of life

are

the ones we keep

and

call

our friends

*

because I can...

and

mostly because you all make me feel like I can

I'm sharing more photos from the senior photo shoot

I did a week and a half ago

this doll and her mom will be here

wednesday evening for their consultation

and

as I finish the last of my pre-editing

I'm

a little giddy

a little nervous

a little excited

and

have my fingers crossed that I captured what they were looking for

*

nothing tying me down...

I have no plans this weekend

~~

I might go see "away we go" at the movie theatre

~

I want to take a road trip tomorrow just to take pictures

but

I'll probably end up out at the cottage cleaning

~

maxwell street day sales are happening downtown

but

I don't really need anything so this would truly be a people watching adventure

~

I have photos to edit for two consultations next week

but

those can wait until sunday night

~

I changed the sheets on the bed yesterday

so that's already done

~

I could go get a pedicure

but

I kind of like painting my own toes while I can still bend over to do it

~

if it stays cloudy and cool outside

I might end up in the studio making my little purse journals to give away

~

I guess

I'll start by taking a shower

and

then just let the day unfold before me

and

if anything amazing happens

you'll be the first to know

*

game day...game face...

this is my nephew

~

my hubby calls him

T

and

yesterday was day 2 of his league playoffs

in which I joined my sister and her family to cheer him on

~~~~~

who attacks a new puppy with love and kisses at the ball field

?

the sisters of the ball players

that's who

{the one in the white t-shirt is my sweet niece}

baseball players are moving targets and trying to get clear shots of my nephew

while he was actually playing

{with a huge wire fence in front to me}

was not easy

but

I did manage to catch him during the warm-up

and

of course sneaking into the dugout was pretty easy

T

is the catcher for his team and I couldn't help but shoot him getting his gear on and off

in between innings

and

being hugely impressed with how fast he could do this

there were times you could feel a bit of seriousness coming from the field or the dugout

and

somehow I caught it

on the kid who never stops smiling

on this second day of play

they won their first game

and

a few hours later in another elimination round

they lost

but

what an amazing season these boys had to even make it this far

and

what a great day this aunt had

watching

cheering

shooting

and

remembering how it was just yesterday that her own kids were this little

and

how quickly they grew because she blinked

*

{and now for a little food love...you know where to go}

but of course...

you didn't think I'd do a senior photo shoot and forget a jumping photo did you

?

this is her best friend

who came along on the shoot to help if I needed a someone to hold my sun shield and

she was a doll

too

who I found out half way into our session

happens to be the daughter of a girl I graduated from high school with

~small world~

teenagers can be great and this one was perfect...

I had a senior photo shoot last week with this doll

and

she was amazing

a complete natural

doing anything I suggested without a complaint

the morning of the shoot I was a bit nervous

~

I actually felt butterflies fluttering in my stomach

as I was traveling to her little town 20 miles north of me

wondering if I would find

the amazing spots that dance in my head for shoots

but rarely exist

not only did I find alleys and graffiti and textured walls and painted doors

I also found an amazing city park

in one of the back alleys we were in

can you believe this

?

an old school desk just sitting there calling my name

and

I actually laughed out loud while looking up at the skies

and

mouthed

thank you

as we were moving in for this next shot

I said

"is that a tattoo I see"

and

she sheepishly said

"yes"

and

I told her we were going to highlight it

not hide it for this shot

so that someday

she'd be able to look back and love and laugh and lap up all that she was

at

18

I still have lots of editing to do

as

I continue to play with tones and colors

and

I want to add some textures to a few of the 256 photos I took

but

for now

here's my sneak peek that I've been so anxious to share with all of you

*

{skin cancer update over here}