reaching...

not only am I reaching

today

I'm grasping at straws

~

our son continues to prove himself as a child who doesn't want to be parented

and

when you're a parent who has done nothing but parent him for the past seventeen years

this is like being told not to breathe any longer

~

we've set rules and limitations only to watch them

be kicked around

stomped on

and

set on fire

~

we've tried to see things his way

which temporarily blinded us

~

we've let him the test the waters

but

he doesn't seem able to float long without being thrown a life preserver

~~

and

so I sit here wondering if I should be done saving him all the time

and let him spit water out of his mouth when he goes a little bit too deep

and

chokes and coughs

or

if I should actually start un-parenting him even more than I have been

in trying to help him grow

in hopes of making him realize that when he stumbles

he's far from the adult he thinks he is

~~

as I sat here thinking about all of this

my thoughts made me claustrophobic

and

I had to leave the house for a bit

~~

so with my camera bag packed

I took off

even though the skies were still grey from

the perfectly hung rain we'd had all morning

~

as soon as I got to my destination

just a few miles down the road

the skies opened up again and flooded my entire being with rain drops heavy enough to knock a small child to the ground

which forced me back in my car where I sat and watched the raindrops splatter across my windshield like cookie dough being dropped from a spoon onto a cookie sheet

~

I put my head back

and

reminded myself that there could be so many worse things happening in my life right now

besides an unruly teen that has aged me terribly this summer

but

then I thought nope

there's not

at least right now there's not

~

this is bad

this is not good

this is the worse thing I've dealt with as a parent

and

it sucks

~

so I'm reaching and looking and searching and praying for answers

and

I'm hanging onto the edge of that parenting pool that is so easy to drown in

with every ounce of strength I have

because

I'm competitive

and

this is the game of life

at least it's the game of my life

and

I refuse to put the game board back in it's box and tuck it on the top shelf of the closet only to be brought out again when friends come to visit

nope

this game board is front and center

~

I just wish we weren't playing it so miserably right now

*