July 10, 2013

trying to 'bee' me.....




the back to school supplies are filling the aisles and once again i am transformed back into the young girl i used to be. the one who wanted and needed perfectly matched everything for that first day of school. i find myself looking at the beautiful folders, leaving behind the ones with corners already bent, wondering how i'll use them at home this year. the composite notebooks have beautiful designs, completely redefining themselves from the black and white splattered ones that used to be our only option. the new pens, the smell of erasers, pencil boxes...i stand and stare and i am seven, twelve and fourteen years old again. i won't even tell you what the notebooks do to me.

i have a datebook i use for everything. sometimes i use the calendar on my phone, but i like having a 'book' opened on my desk, where i can see the whole month, where i can see my handwriting and where notes and quotes come to life. the one i currently have is labeled jan-dec as most of them are, but while i was dancing playing in the back to school aisle, i noticed their back to school datebooks labeled july-june and decided i wanted one. actually i decided that i needed one.

2013 had a crappy start for me, bringing with it leftovers from 2012 and to be honest, the last six months have held nothing that i want to carry with me into the future. so "hello new datebook, i have big plans for you."

i've learned in the past year and a half that futures are a crapshoot. tomorrow, next week, even an hour from now hold no guarantees. all i know is that in preparation, because that's what we all do, we prepare, i have watched myself be strong, only to have that strength brought down by a simple word or two. i have felt empowered and watched it float away when my independent spirit {something i've always loved about myself} got called out for not wearing her cape as of late. i have been brave, or certainly believed myself to be, only to watch fear and doubt come and beat all that braveness out of me the same way my grandma used to beat her rugs.

so i've been praying a lot, visualizing what i want my future to look like and practicing patience.  i'm putting my shoulders back and filling myself up with all the self esteem that that seven, twelve and fourteen year old girl was pumped full of as she made beautiful decisions in the 'back to school' aisle and as i move forward, i'm making decisions that fit me. beautiful decisions without any bent corners. 

well, at least it's a start and we all have to begin somewhere.

ps....the bee photos are why it's worth having a macro lens in your arsenal :)








27 comments:

  1. I love the symbolism of buying a new date book and starting fresh. Why not?

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  2. "a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils" yeah the school aisle gets me every year. :D

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  3. Reading this post was beyond therapeutic for me. So poignantly and artfully expressed. On point. Dynamically on point. I needed to read this. Today. I need this.

    It's cool to think that YOUR purging can help others going through similar circumstances. Thank goodness I stopped by your blog today. Beautiful.

    Love the photos. Wish I had your talent -- not to mention your gear. Maybe some day.

    I thank you for sharing.

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  4. I think the last two paragraphs say so much. I have been through yet another transformation an I am starting to get my confidence back. But there is still that girl inside that thinks there is nothing better than new school supplies. I am a sucker for a new notebook.

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  5. You are the bees knees...you make me smile as I picture the younger you with her shoulders back ready to take on the world. And a notebook/datebook from July - June sounds like a perfect way to start tackling what lies ahead...and may what lies ahead be filled with many good things xo

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  6. I've been a little concerned about retirement. A friend of mine suggested getting a datebook and writing at least one fun thing a week for the whole first six months on it! A workshop. Museum day. Lunch with friends. Road trip. I haven't done it yet, but my list is getting longer and longer! It won't just be ONE thing, that's for sure!

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  7. Love back to school supplies and notebooks. And those bee shots are terrific.

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  8. Great idea to get that notebook. I love the amazing photos!

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  9. Interesting that you have the opposite take on school supplies as I do. I always feel incredibly happy knowing that I won't have to struggle back to school in September! Being painfully shy I never had any self-confidence while in school. I'm glad you can celebrate these yearly reminders!

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  10. Your words, just perfection! They touch me as I sometimes struggle here too. Thanks! I will try putting my shoulders back. Thanks also for reminding me of my macro lens. I don't use it often enough.

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  11. I thought I was the only adult who had a weakness for all those wonderful school supplies. I have enough notebooks and pens to last several lifetimes.

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  12. I love notebooks. I use them for everything. When we owned our roofing business they were all I used to write everything down in - all phone messages, notes from clients, phone numbers, etc. When we sold the business I pulled out all the boxes of notebooks - 4 notebooks for each year - 20 years worth. I had kept them all. It was unbelievably hard for me to throw them out. :-)

    You intrigue me Beth. I like your perseverance. You might be surprised by how many of us feel similar to the way you do. xo

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  13. I love your honesty, your art and girl, yes, I loved going back to school time. Can I tell you again, how glad I am you're here?

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  14. Awesome, AWESOME bee shots! ~swoon~

    I love the idea of a school calendar to start the year anew right now. Bravo for your brilliant idea! So glad you have a young self to look back upon that was strong and happy and sure of herself. I have never had that but I'm working my butt off to create it now!

    Happy, happy new tomorrow to you my friend.

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  15. I am so glad you have that macro lens. These are gorgeous, Beth. I used to use notebooks for journals but alas, find typing more my speed anymore. I can type almost as fast as I think.

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  16. Um, those photos are off the charts!!! Just great. But hey, listen to this, a guy was walking in the desert and up ahead was a telephone booth. When he entered a sign read, "phone God." The guy picked up the phone and said, "God, my mind is going crazy, it never stops, I'm always worried about the future and concerned of my past. How can I learn to just live in the moment?
    After a long silence..............a soothing voice said,............"Breathe"
    "Whenever you feel anxious about the past or the future, take a moment and ......just.......breathe......"

    Read that somewhere once, and it works.
    Just thought I'd share that.

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  17. I get all giddy and weak-kneed in the back-to-school section, too. Keep your cape on and remember that strong girl every single day! Sometimes it's hard to find folders without bent edges, but it's always worth the effort in life or in the back-to-school aisle.

    And your macro photography is amazing. Yes, I need a macro lens.... But I'll have to buy my school supplies first :)

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  18. Your honesty strikes a chord with me. From 2013 to grandma beating her rugs. I dont own a book for my calendar, I use my phone. That way it is always with me, so I can plan my life, and change plans at any moment. I miss the days of no calendar needed. Of days when I wanted to do something on any given day, I just did it. 1 husband and 4 kids later, that has changed to a Plan every thing.
    Here's to a better 2013, maybe the 2nd half will be better. :-)

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  19. You are brilliant and brave and loving and ready, Honey. Shine that glorious Beth light brightly, fearlessly! I for just one among many, appreciate it so.
    Here's to new pages to fill...
    Love you!

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  20. oh the beginning of the school year was my favorite. All the new supplies, note books... my mom used to cover my books with colorful paper. I loved it!

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  21. Hoping you enjoy filling that new notebook... LOVE your photos. I know I LOVE my macro lens..

    Hugs~

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  22. So often I've felt brave and wise and invincible and hopeful, only to be filled with doom and and despair minutes later. I'm trying hard to pencil in the future but keep my eraser handy, prepared for the inevitable changes and detours. Right now I just take it a day (or a minute) at a time, and find something joyful to focus on. Sending you a big hug. I hope the next half of the year is full of wonderful surprises. (Drooling over the photos! You can give credit to your macro, but it's your artist's touch that makes them beautiful.)

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  23. i love that early back to school feeling.....bee brave juice indeed.
    this half mark of the year
    seems just about perfect
    for new beginnings.
    big courage to you,
    Jennifer

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  24. The bee photo and the gorgeous colors are a real treat.

    As for the new calendar-- I LOVE that idea and might do the exact same thing. (2013 so far has been a real downer in our neck of the woods too.) Like you, I enjoy holding the calendar in my hands and seeing the week/month all in one spot. I feel more organized that way and have never switched to using my phone or computer for the calendar.

    As for how you've been feeling these days... Perhaps you need to pull out that red tutu of yours and give it a whirl??? And while you're dance, know that I'm cheering you on.

    xoxo jj

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  25. I am always excited by the back to school sales too but I tend to buy new notebooks and then leave them empty:) May you have much better luck than I do and that the second half of 2013 is as wonderful as you are:)

    That black and white bee shot! Amazing!!!

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  26. I have the same notebook addiction.... But who can resist? I love that you bought a new date book, a fresh start in July is just as good as one in January. (Better because, you know, it's summer)

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  27. Weird. I was just thinking about this this morning. Weird.
    I was thinking about how I used to write everything down in a calendar... until I got my phone. And when I got that phone, I declared to myself that I would NEVER keep a calendar on it... just don't trust technology and I like hand writing things. Just like you said.
    So here we are, a year later (I've only had a cell phone in my life for just over a year, can you believe it?) and EVERYTHING goes into my phone calendar. My poor handwritten one has been abandoned. And I don't like it. Not one bit.
    But it's so much easier just to put it on the damn phone!

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**I love reading the comments you leave, as they make me feel like we're sitting in my kitchen, having a cup of tea, discussing life and wondering where all the time has gone ...beth