what i'm not or maybe who i am.....

~kathy~me~elena~mary beth~

~~

i love paint. the colors. the texture. even the mess it makes. but it doesn't like me. it never really has. so i'm done. i'm done being in a one sided relationship where the emotional ups and downs have finally taken a toll on me.

~~

don't get me wrong. valley ridge and mary beth shaw were wonderful and meeting and spending the weekend with elena filled my weekend perfectly. but i finally learned that doing something that doesn't love me in return is painful. that doing something that i'm not passionate about leaves me feeling empty. and most importantly, i have learned that doing something that doesn't satisfy my heart, hurts.

~~

i'm 45 years old

and

finally

i'm taking a deep breath

and

letting my shoulders gracefully fall back to the natural state where they belong

and

my mind

feels as if it's finally looking down one railroad track with a waiting destination

instead

of

being in the train station

where it's been running around for years wondering

which ticket to buy

which train to get on

who to follow

and

where to get off

~~

yesterday, after a weekend of classroom time, i needed air and space. so my lover and i took off for "my pond" where the sandhill cranes are nesting

and

the first baby ducks of the season have been born.

and

it is there

that my heart is always happy

and

filled like a balloon on the brink of bursting

~~

being with my camera is the love affair that feels right. where there's no pain or emotional upsets or wasted time or energy

and

the passion

between the two of us

well let's just say that sometimes it's so steamy

that i feel like we're characters in a romance novel with a half dressed man on the front cover

*

so after 4 years of painting classes, my paints and my apron are being tucked away in a nice little drawer where maybe they'll come out to play if i have a journal page refusing to cooperate unless it can get a bit messy, but that's it.

it's time to finally let some chapters in the book of my life, that never really made any sense in the first place, dry up and fade away.

now excuse me

but my train

finally the right train heading in the right direction

is boarding passengers and

i need to take my seat

*