and then i put my heart back in my chest...

when i decided earlier this week

that i wasn't a painter

god

painted a picture for me

and said

"here, this is for you"

"will you photograph it and share it with the world"

~~

of course

with it being god and everything

i did as he asked

and

everything in my world made sense again

to renew anything not feeling right in my life

i walk the pond

and

this heron called to me monday afternoon

as i walked by him a second time

i walked as close to the edge as i could

and

sat down in the dried pond reeds leftover from last year

and

as i got comfortable

he fished

right in front of me

not once

but twice

and

i know for fact

that for a full minute i stopped breathing

and

my sweet hubby waiting on the trail behind me

whispered

"holy crap, did you get that"

~~

i wanted to share this last photo to show you again how this pond truly is in the middle of town

~~

the yellow truck

the orange fish in the heron's mouth

oh

let's just call it

heaven

*

why i get nothing done at our cottage....

when dusk is thinking about tucking itself in for the evening

and

i'm standing at the sink washing dishes

my little black masked furry and funny friends

come for dinner

~~

they eat the birdseed scraps that have been left behind

under the raccoon proof

bird buffet

my hubby built

so

when nothing gets done at the cottage

i have someone to blame besides myself

~~

all i have to do is point outside

and

everyone understands

and

i like it like that

~

i was face to face with this coon the other night while elena was staying with me. the first night they were out, they heard me coming out the side door and ran, but the second night this little guy was too busy eating and i snuck right up on him with my camera and he froze...and of course i was completely frozen, too....except for my trigger finger and then we just stared at each other wondering who was going to run away first.

he did.

i won.

what i'm not or maybe who i am.....

~kathy~me~elena~mary beth~

~~

i love paint. the colors. the texture. even the mess it makes. but it doesn't like me. it never really has. so i'm done. i'm done being in a one sided relationship where the emotional ups and downs have finally taken a toll on me.

~~

don't get me wrong. valley ridge and mary beth shaw were wonderful and meeting and spending the weekend with elena filled my weekend perfectly. but i finally learned that doing something that doesn't love me in return is painful. that doing something that i'm not passionate about leaves me feeling empty. and most importantly, i have learned that doing something that doesn't satisfy my heart, hurts.

~~

i'm 45 years old

and

finally

i'm taking a deep breath

and

letting my shoulders gracefully fall back to the natural state where they belong

and

my mind

feels as if it's finally looking down one railroad track with a waiting destination

instead

of

being in the train station

where it's been running around for years wondering

which ticket to buy

which train to get on

who to follow

and

where to get off

~~

yesterday, after a weekend of classroom time, i needed air and space. so my lover and i took off for "my pond" where the sandhill cranes are nesting

and

the first baby ducks of the season have been born.

and

it is there

that my heart is always happy

and

filled like a balloon on the brink of bursting

~~

being with my camera is the love affair that feels right. where there's no pain or emotional upsets or wasted time or energy

and

the passion

between the two of us

well let's just say that sometimes it's so steamy

that i feel like we're characters in a romance novel with a half dressed man on the front cover

*

so after 4 years of painting classes, my paints and my apron are being tucked away in a nice little drawer where maybe they'll come out to play if i have a journal page refusing to cooperate unless it can get a bit messy, but that's it.

it's time to finally let some chapters in the book of my life, that never really made any sense in the first place, dry up and fade away.

now excuse me

but my train

finally the right train heading in the right direction

is boarding passengers and

i need to take my seat

*

and the winner is.....

number

5

~~

thanks everyone for playing along with me

in my little give away

~

you're all adored more than you'll ever know

~~

this time

it's

kim mailhot

walking away as the winner

~~

although maybe i'll be the winner

if she wants to hop on a plane and come visit me

for that promised cup of tea while we laugh at kate

~

granted

kate is no longer dancing

but

we can laugh just as hard at her hair extensions

instead

~~

and

now it's time for me to go sit in my

"don't be so mean"

corner

and

take my

"stop making fun of others"

pill

*

just because.....

happy sunday

everyone

~

i'll be back here tomorrow

with a "i'm not a painter" story

and

the winner from my give-away

*

where i try to make it as an artist....

i'm playing all weekend

with paint

and

i'm so excited

~

valley ridge

here i come

again

~

this time

my friend elena

who i've never met

is taking a class with me

~yippee~

and

staying with me the whole weekend

and

the

instructor is

mary beth

who i've known for five years

~~

so call me spoiled

~

a whole weekend of

talking

laughing

painting

laughing

learning

journaling

laughing

eating

hiking

not sleeping enough

and

laughing some more

~

not too bad

huh

*

and

i just noticed the "y" on my ruby luna photography tag

jumped ship

since my photo was too big for blogger

and

i don't even care

~

nope

not today

because

everything else is good and the sun is warm

*

don't make me beg....

i mentioned the other day

that i'm having

a give-away

and

i really wish more of you would play

~

sheesh

that sounds so icky of me

and

i feel like i'm begging

but

the random generator is only fun

when you can plug in big numbers

~~

otherwise

i just write everyone's name on a slip of paper

and

pick one out of my cereal bowl

~~

well

that's actually pretty fun

too

but

now that it's springtime

i like big

and

i want a big fat number to play with

~~

wow

now it sounds like i'm whining

like

i'm a big old whiner

with that nasal sounding voice

that's as irritating as fingernails on a blackboard

~

okay

i won't even make you go back to the give-away page

to see what i'm talking about

~

just leave me a comment

about

anything

~

your favorite color

or word

or

what you like to do when you get the house all to yourself

or

maybe

what book your reading or if you jumped for joy when kate got eliminated

or

if your allergies are killing you

~

ANYTHING

any comment

and

you're in

~

you guys are the best

seriously

you really are

*

when you're two weeks old....

life is easy

~~

thank you

L & B

for trusting me with your new little love

~~

please

if you

my blog loves

have the time

come over here

to see more of this sweet little boy

~~

i promise you

he won't make a peep

but

he will make you smile

*

a give away perhaps ?

somehow

almost overnight

my "no wallflowers" followers

has grown

to over

300

::

and

that makes me happy

really happy

like

dancing down the hallway happy

with my arms waving in the air while pink screams her lungs out in the background

::

so happy in fact

~now that i've caught my breath~

that it's time for a give away

::

the rules

are as follows

::

you know what

i hate rules

especially blog rules

::

so anything goes here

WELL

almost

anything

::

all you have to do is tell me if you want to win

a new blog banner

designed by yours truly

or

if you want to win a copy of one of my photos

that you have fallen in love with

::

or

if you'd rather just come over and sit and have tea

while we laugh

at kate gosselin

trying to dance

we can do that

too

~there's a prize for this too, but it's not a banner or a photo~

::

so leave me a little note

telling me which of the above works for you

and

sunday night

a winner will be chosen

*

someday....

the weekend went faster than i thought it would

and

the bumps along the way left me bruised and confused

::

i'll remind him all about it someday when he's a parent

and

feels a bit out of control while raising his own children

and

i'll hide my smile

as i thank god for paybacks

::

nice breezes and an amazing view of the hillside....

where i go from here....

I want to go somewhere beautiful

::

where

the people

i surround myself with

share stories that swell my heart

::

where

the warmth of the sun

is passionate with my soul

::

where

my camera

captures the kind of beauty

that my heart didn't even know existed

::

where

the cool evening breezes

whisper sweet secrets on the back of my neck

::

where

the grassy field

begging me to sit for the afternoon

lets my thoughts wander and giggle

like barefoot children near a stream

delighting over every found rock

::

where

most of all

with just a smile or a kind word

i can make a difference in someone's day

::

want to come along

*

what ? straight out of the camera ?

it doesn't happen very often

but

when the weather is saying

"come play with me and leave that computer and your photo editing alone"

well

i listen

and

upload my photos

as they are

~gasp~

hiking in our woods at the cottage this spring has been a challenge

~

the hills are terribly

~actually dangerously~

steep

and

with the ground feeling like marshmallows beneath our feet

the only way to scale them is at an angle

~

but

you know me

i like a challenge

and

when the other challenge

is to find the tiny little violets that hide on our hillside

well

i pound my chest like tarzan and yell

"bring it on"

down below the hills

in what we call

the valley

is where we have a natural spring

and

surrounding that area every year is

skunk cabbage

~

obviously

some people hate it as it's invasive and i guess it stinks if you step on it

and

i guess all the wild animals stay away from it

but

for me it's beautiful and green and full of life

~

we have never smelled anything from it

even when tromping through it and since our land is still filled with deer

and

other critters that leave their little prints behind

the

skunk cabbage is just fine with us

when i looked at this photo

i realized you could see the roof to our cottage in the distance

and

that where i was standing was

"bare"

or

"still kind of winter dead"

in valley terms

~

in another month

though

everything will be as tall as me or taller

and

then the hills and valley

will have a new name

~

that's when we start referring to it as

heaven

*

in the meantime....

remember the other day when i mentioned i had hiking photos

~

well

these are my pond photos

not my hiking photos

~

my hiking photos

are

still on my camera

and

as soon as my head

which has been invaded by

aliens

~dwarfs whatever~

otherwise known as

dopey, sleepy, snotty, sneezy, coughy and grumpy

is feeling normal

i'll have the strength to load them onto my computer

and

share them with you

in the meantime

i thought this visual might help you understand

exactly how i've been feeling

~

yes

thanks to my mac

and

photo booth

i was photographed perfectly

~

maybe next time i'll airbrush out my crows feet

she's my third cousin....

and

just like most of my photo shoots

she had that look of

"who's this crazy woman with the camera"

she doesn't know who i am

~~

at eighteen months

she

lives down south with her parents

but

lucky us

they came for a visit

here's part of my extended family

celebrating her grandpa's

60th birthday

~~

after some grumbling about the rain

i convinced them all that a few raindrops wouldn't make them melt

and

finally got them outside for a group shot

who did she love best

from our totally crazy family

that i adore

~

well

that would be her fourth cousin

~my niece~

and

the feeling was mutual

*

but

see that scowl....she's still not so sure about me

oh seriously....

lucky me

i'm related to this sweetheart

but

that didn't stop me

from drowning in her blue eyes

~~

if you can stand it

i'll show you more of her tomorrow

unless

you'd rather see my hiking photos

of trees and dirt and violets

~~

that's what i thought

baby photos it is

*

today~warm and purple with a chance of clouds....

what color

is it

in your little world

today

*

mable....

it's friday

and

the sun is shining

~

my son has been sick with what we thought was just his asthma

but

based on how scratchy my throat is

i'm wondering if he doesn't also have a cold on top of his asthma and allergies

and

maybe coughed up a few germs on my strawberry shortcake

~

there's a shop around the corner

who honors the talents of artists

and

i've been asked to frame some of my photography

in a large format

to be sold there

~yikes~

so this afternoon

i'm off to the camera shop to have some of my photos

printed

big

as in

11x14

big

~wish me luck~

~

but

the main thing on my to do list

is laundry

so

i'm going to roll out my old clunker above

~i call her mable~

and

get her hose all hooked up

so

i can wash the bed sheets and then get them on the line to dry

~

hee hee

~

oh how i love fridays

*

and obviously not from wisconsin....

the boys are back in town...the boys are back in town...

actually

it's my sand hill cranes

~a boy and a girl~

that are back

in town

and

I just felt like singing

i only post processed the top photo

because

I really wanted all of you to be able to see the beauty in these birds the same way i do

~~

there's a pond on our side of town

surrounded by apartment buildings

that is basically a wildlife refuge in the city

and

i can't even begin to describe to you what this place does to my senses

springtime

is when this place comes alive

~~

mr. and mrs. crane come home

and

the bunnies and the birds and the ducks and the geese and the muskrats and the turtles

are

everywhere

there is a man made trail around the entire pond

which is a little over a mile long

and

for the next month

i can get up close and personal with just about all of my pond friends

but

by the middle of may

the pond grasses and cattails will be taller than me

and

then

game on

as i become the crazy lady

in the weeds trying not to get her feet or her camera wet

while wiggling my way closer and closer

to my very smart friends

~~

once their babies are born

they're a bit more protective

and

they play a mean game of hide and seek

but

fortunately

due to plenty of foot traffic and dusk acting like a sedative to most of them

i can still

catch most of them

enjoying the good life

right around dinner time on lazy summer evenings

and

honestly

i can't even tell you how much

pond babies make my heart melt

in these photos

I was only a few feet away from the cranes

~~

so close

in fact

that when mr. crane spread his wings and asked me dance

he scared me a bit

and

i cut off the top of his head

~

silly bird

*

there's a lesson in everything...

an april rain

fell last night

after the strong shouldered clouds holding the droplets hostage

finally

shrugged and gave up

~

the rhythm of the rain

against the windows

reminded me of a xylophone being played

by an uninterested child

who had purposely broken the ball off the stick handle

when no one was watching

~

today

the air feels crisp

in a freshly ironed kind of way

and

i can smell the red geraniums

that are looking at me from my neighbor's

"rocking chair filled"

front porch

~

i'm not really sure exactly what i see

being pushed toward

the storm drains

by last nights rain

but

i think maybe some of my heavy thoughts are there

all soggy and fighting the current

~

in my heart

i know they taught me a few lessons about life

but

i refuse

to throw them any kind of floatation device

~

and

as i turn around to come back inside

the

heavily carved and ornate wooden door

lets out a yawn as i close it

and

through the bubbled glass

i can see

that the grey sky

is starting to color outside the lines

with

its blue crayon

*

it's been confirmed....

cuteness can kill you

please please please

head over

to

ruby luna

and

see more of the photos

from my baby shoot

on

friday

warning

~~

you might want to protect your heart

before you look at the other photos

and

for any of you out there thinking

"well, maybe we should have one more"

you might as well

get the nursery

ready

now

~~

oh

and

if you're not sick of me yet on this monday morning

you

can visit

claire's blog

where she asked me to be her guest blogger today

and

wowza

she threw some amazing questions at me

that really made me think

{which is good good for me every now and then}

*

hopping down the bunny trail...

may your

easter

be filled

with

love and faith

bunnies and chocolate

and

most of all

may it be filled

with

memories

and

laughter

*