December 31, 2012

good-bye 2012.....

dear 2012...

many people will be thanking you for all that you gave of yourself this past year, but not me. instead i spent too many days finding it impossible to get close to you. every time i tried, sometimes desperately, you shrugged your way past me with a grinch like smile on your face that made me want to slap you.

granted, you gave me a few {only a few that i can count} highs that were high enough to make me happy and which fit me beautifully, like my favorite pair of jeans {i guess this is where i say i "thank you"} but the lows...oh, the lows you threw me like an incompetent pitcher, couldn't have gotten any lower and will never be forgotten. unfortunately, i caught every one of them.

by now you're probably thinking i'm not being fair, but those are your feelings. you see, there were too many days this past year that you took my feelings and stomped the living pulp out of them. then you stooped over, picked them up with disgust in your eyes and discarded them like they were used kleenexes. it was you that wasn't fair.

after the first half of the year, i assumed that things could only get better and at a minimum, we'd be luke warm with each other, but i was wrong. instead, on a sunny day in july, you tied weights to my ankles and threw me overboard. i gasped for air, slapped at the water and begged for a life preserver, but it didn't work. you won. i drowned.

not long after that day, a thin layer of something i can only refer to as yuck, covered me like a sheet of saran wrap. it was laced with hate and mistrust and misunderstandings and questions and tears and pain and no matter how hard i tried to shake it off, it stuck to me like glue. i begged you for help, but all you did was add another month, and then another month to something i couldn't get out from under. i didn't wish you for to be gone, i just wished for you to be softer and easier on me.

september came and you did it again. this time not to me personally, but to our entire family. you created a level of sadness that no family should ever have to experience. unfortunately, we all now have a day in september with 2012 behind it, etched in our hearts. a day that never should have happened.

when the late fall and early winter days arrived, not one of them welcomed me. well, maybe they did, but in a snarly "can you see my fake smile" kind of way and i just wasn't in the mood to try to make nice. i knew just by looking at them, that they were way too similar to the earlier months of you, 2012. they had disguises on, made up mostly of cheap masks and paper thin capes, but they weren't pretty, kind or fast enough to get by my critical eye. then something caught me off guard again and like i had practiced it a million times, i caved. i looked to you and prayed that maybe, just maybe, you'd take me under your wing and let me fly through the rest of the year with everything around me feeling perfectly in tact, including my heart and all the thoughts in my head, but you didn't.

finally, the last few weeks of december showed up and suddenly you looked at me differently. actually you looked tired, exhausted really, and i could see that somewhere deep down inside of you, you didn't want to {or have the strength} to cause me anymore grief. you left me alone. you didn't taunt me, well not as much as you had, and you finally walked around me without sucking up every ounce of my self-esteem. {something you had perfected over the past eleven months} unfortunately though, my heart continued to do what it had done all year...it guarded itself from you.

so 2012, you came, you were here and now {thank God} you're leaving. tonight, at midnight. i have high {like unattended balloons filled with helium soaring upwards into the sky} hopes for your replacement, 2013. mostly because i didn't like you, but also because thirteen is a lucky number for me...well, for our entire family. so go 2012. go away. i won't shed any tears for you, but don't take it personally, {well sure you can...it's just that people always say "don't take it personally} take it instead knowing that you caused me so many tears while you were here, that i just don't have any left. buh-bye.
*






32 comments:

  1. Beth, I'm so sorry that 2012 didn't treat you well. I hope 2013 not only greets you with a smile but keeps your spirits up all year. May the new year be one of blessings for both you and your family!

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  2. Thank you for being brave and honest and eloquent...and for saying what I feel and believe. I am sorry your 2012 year stunk so badly. Mine did too. It really was awful on many levels. I can think of two highs, but I can feel the pain of hundreds of lows. "So, bon voyage 2012. Don't slam the door on the way out. But you probably will." Here's to your happy 2013 and your lucky number meaning good things, Beth! Hugs galore, kath (I'm trying to think positive because 13 is not mine...ugh. Really?)

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  3. Powerful and honest, may 2013 be kind to you and your family.

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  4. This was a good year for us, filled with some challenges that we strongly faced, but overall a good one. And I expect 2013 will also be filled with some challenges, but nothing we cannot deal with together. I have had years in the past filled with grief and sorrow, and it seems the pain will never end. But it does, somehow, with love and support from others. And sometimes help from good doctors:-) I will think of you tomorrow when the new day comes and wish you well.

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  5. Better to let it out so it can go up in balloons and float away. Blessings and good days I wish you for 2013. Love you, Jenny

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  6. I'm sorry 2012 sucked beyond belief it did for me also. Cheers to 2013 it IS going to be better!! ((hugs))

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  7. Beth, what a great post - probably one of my favorites of anyone's for the entire year. You completely mirrored my own thoughts for this year, a year that has totally kicked my ass physically and emotionally. I don't remember ever crying so much or wanting to crawl into a hole.

    So I am sending you big hugs and warm wishes. I hope for your sake, and mine, that 2013 is going to be better. We've both had more than our share of rotten.

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  8. Very, very powerful words, Beth. May 2013 be kinder and gentler to you.

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  9. To have this kind of strength after all you've been through deeply inspires <3

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  10. My year wasn't too great either, but I don't think I could put it into words as eloquently as you have, Beth. Here's to 2013 ~ may it be ever so much better! xoxo

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  11. i like that you're telling 2012 adios, and telling it why it sucked. it needed to hear.

    xoxo and may 2013 treat you with the love & kindness you deserve.

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  12. wishing you a year of abundance of all things~ and the happiest of new years wishes to you and yours

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  13. I hear you, I feel you, I'm there with you.

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  14. You articulated the year better than I can. I know how you feel. 2012 has been hell on me too. It's the worst year I can ever recall having. I am so ready for something different, happy and healthy in 2013. I have high hopes and it sounds like you do too.

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  15. Boy, I could have written this. You managed to give 2012 the ugly face it deserves. My daughter and I found ourselves lamenting over and over how horrible 2012 has been...and continues to be. Not only for our family, but so many others we know. Hoping 2013 is kinder for all of us. We're due! Hugs, Beth!

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  16. May this New Year be filled with stuff that will help you put 2012 far behind you. Love, laughter, health and happiness, Lovely One !

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  17. Me too, I've always seen 13 as a lucky number.
    So here's hoping for better days, for you, and four us all, in the year ahead.
    Hugs to you, and big wishes for a happy new year. xoxo

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  18. So sorry to hear of all the pain 2012 has brought you, Beth. Some of what you refer to, I remember in your posts. Much if it I'm sure I'm unaware of.

    Here's to resilience in 2013 - and peace. - Love to you from this old house xo

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  19. Oh, Beth, I knew you had some dark days in 2012, but I didn't realize the extent of it, I guess. Hoping 2013 swoops in and grabs you in a big lovin' hug and doesn't let go all year! 13 is our whole family's lucky number, too, so I'm ready to see what it brings! xoxo

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  20. Sweet Beth may 2013 treat you like you deserve to be treated. May Love, laughter, health and abundance be yours. Hugs!

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  21. Dear Beth, surely 2013 will be your year! The honesty of your post made me pause - I knew you felt a little sad but never dreamed just how sad. You've survived 2012, and I have no doubt you're stronger for what you survived (even if you would not choose those "lessons" again in a million years). You have special gifts for photography and for writing. May you realize them more fully in 2013.

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  22. may 2013 approach you gently and enfold you with love, happiness, and blessings, my friend. you have been brave long enough, beth, i hope this new year provides peace. xx

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  23. happy 2013, beth! and belated anniversary wishes... i love the one of you two on the previous post.

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  24. Happy New Year! - I hope 2013 is full of blessings for you! :-)

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  25. Happy New Year Beth! Wishing you a year of sunshine!

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  26. eloquently expressed. wishing you all things bright and beautiful in the new year, friend.

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  27. Once again you have written from your heart and described how you feel...I'm glad we've been able to kick 2012 to the curb so we can move forward to better days. Love you. xo

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  28. so now its time to pick yourself up, pull up those big girl socks and march bravely into 2013 .. and kick ass!

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  29. I absolutely love this! Buh bye is right! 2012 can suck it!

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  30. Our nation endured much of the same thing you've described in your well-written verse. My post today is taken from the Scripture Reading for today. It was a fitting wish for both of us, I think.
    When I lost my Scrappy Grams dashboard, I lost so many bloggers' names, and apparently that was during the time you were experiencing so much.
    I wish peace and comfort for you and your family. God bless you.

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  31. Thanks for sharing your feelings on 2012. There are definitely years that we can rejoice when they leave. Let's open a clean book and fill it with JOY. May your 2013 be joyful and delightful! May there be many opportunities to jump with laughter.

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  32. There is little I can add but Amen. Yes, some good times. But some so terribly hard. Well stated!

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**I love reading the comments you leave, as they make me feel like we're sitting in my kitchen, having a cup of tea, discussing life and wondering where all the time has gone ...beth