November 12, 2012

i fall down. i get up again.....


i knew it was there. i just didn't know what to call it. 
actually i did, but nobody likes the d-word. i kept thinking, "i can't be depressed." i have more than i could possibly ever need or want, in every way imaginable. recently, while watching the news and the devastation out east, i thought,  "now those people can be depressed." i can't be. 
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in the blogging world, it seems most of us talk about all the good stuff. we show all of our pretty pictures and talk about how wonderful our kids are and how amazing our weekends tasted. sure, every now and then we might say we had a crappy day, or even a crappy week, but for the most part, we all pretty much live in the land of rainbows and unicorns when it comes to sharing. myself included. 
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i don't think i surprised my doctor when i asked her what she thought. she loves that i've started going back to my to my acupuncturist {who i love more than i could ever tell you} and who i truly believe can get my yin and yang back to where it should be and that yoga classes are back on my calendar, but she also thought "a little more" couldn't hurt. i'm already on a migraine preventative that just happens to be an anti-depressant, but in a very low dose. she decided we should "up" that a bit and she also put me on a much higher dose of vitamin D. oh, and this winter, i think a "light box" will be living with me. {she said those little suckers can be miracle workers}
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living with me now,  is the most amazing husband, ever. how i can be so blessed as to have this incredible man in my life and by my side {for almost 32 years} is a gift that i wish everyone could experience. well not with him, but you know what i mean.
i used to pride myself on blogging daily or every other day, but right now that seems so hard to do. {even though i know writing is an amazing form of therapy} so bear with me, as i hope to be back to my own "self induced" frequent postings as winter moves through me. i adore all of you and miss sitting side by side, holding hands while playing in the "blogging" sandbox together.
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 i'm taking deepak chopra's 21 day meditation challenge and wow, just like i can't paint, i can't meditate...but i'm working really hard on it. seriously though, do you know any woman who can completely clear her mind? just when i think, "okay here i go" my monkey mind jumps back in and starts swinging from the tree tops and i start all over again. for some reason, i keep picturing myself sitting next to julia roberts in "eat pray love" when she was struggling with meditation and then once again, my mind is filled back up.
at least this time i'm in india and indonesia and i'm petting an elephant. 
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so why am i sharing this? well, because as i see it, any time you visit me here, you see "be yourself" and if this isn't "being myself," well then i don't know what is. because life isn't always perfect. because sometimes we need a little help. because sometimes being open feels good. because sometimes emotions just find their way out, no matter how hard they want to hide.
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40 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing.... I've struggled with depression since college and now have become really good at recognizing being sad versus that real yucky chemical depression when the seratonin is just not being produced; had another downward spiral and knew it was there so uped my meds; helped a little however I am hard to medicate b/c I tolerate so little.... Anyway.... It is a yucky place to be and i am sorry you are there. Apparently estrogen and seratonin are directly related so it makes sense that depression comes on more as we age.... Yay, huh.... What I would give for a loving soul to hold my hand tell me it will be alright.... So I am glad you have your hubby..... But I remind myself that there are many who would give their soul to have a roof over their heads and food on the table.... So I am thankful... Sorry for TMI but am thinking that this is a good place to share so others know they are not alone and to encourage others to do as you have done and not be afraid of the d-word and some help with it :) meds don't mean one is crazy or weak.... Just honest and wanting to be oneself!

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  2. I have followed you all these years Beth because you always share your truth. I love you for that! Hang in there I have close family friends that have been down this road you will find your way:)
    xo katy

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  3. I love that you're so honest with your feelings because that's a hard thing to do and to share. For me, I've found that depression and going thru menopause have gone hand in hand and that's been difficult because I'm usually a very upbeat person.

    I'd sure love to hear more about the acupuncture sometime tho.

    Hope you're feeling more yourself soon.

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  4. Brava, brave One, for getting hold of some tools to help you through. You know that the d word and I are old adversaries, and those kind of tools can get you back yo feeling like you !
    As for that meditation, our minds are never really quiet but working on focusing them on one centering thing is the workout. Your meditation muscle will strengthen with practice, I promise! And those calm, quieter moment are so good for monkey brain in the long run!
    Sending love and cheering you on, Awesome One!!!

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  5. I love your openess and honesty. I could relate to so many aspects of this post and in an effort to keep it real I think we have to 'put it out there' every once in a while. It shows we're human. Winter can be a tough time for depression. I know my mother really benefits from the daylight bulbs, hope you do too. Like you I can't meditate and each time I try I also think of Julia Roberts in eat pray love. When she feels like she's been meditating for ages and then looks at the clock and barely a minute has gone by. Sending hugs. xoxox

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  6. I admire your honesty, but I'm really sorry you're suffering from this problem :-( I hope so much that you feel better soon. How blessed you are to have such good support.

    (((hugs)))

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  7. I too have been known to take a spin on that Swing and I am fortunate that after a brief ride I can plant myself firmly back on the ground.
    You will too.
    Separating each day apart from others has helped me. You know what we are all "supposed " to do. "One day at a time"..but for me that has always been hard. I look behind me far too often and am timid sometimes about looking ahead.
    We just keep learning Beth. That's what life is for me.
    One very long interesting education. <3
    be well my friend

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  8. Sometimes we can see things in others but not in ourselves. I have learned to take care of myself the best way I know. And that means getting help when I need it. I am happy you are doing that because we all want peace of mind. I have never meditated. I hope it works for you:-).

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  9. Can't believe I've been there but I have and it is a spectacle looking back...low dose of Lexapro took care of me 100%.
    Bless you bunches!!

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  10. You're so awesome.....
    and hey, women aren't the only ones with monkey minds when it comes to meditation...there's a party going on in my head at all times, and clearing it is impossible, but as one person told me, you just clear it as much as possible.

    Be well my friend

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  11. I know your woe! It seems that permenopause has something to do with it for me..and I have found that Yoga has helped me in more ways than one, which amazes me.. because I really am no where near meditative or bendy...lol.. two things i have always associated with the thought of doing Yoga.

    Beth, your photography is always stunning, your eye for the details incredible... and something else I have noticed and wondered.. you always mute the colors in your photos to some extend. Not that there is anything wrong with that!!.. but I have wondered if you were speaking through your images in some way we weren't aware.






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  12. ottlite .. and bravo to you for facing your demons

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  13. Thank you for this wonderful post.....it really meant a lot to me. Even though we don't see each other or talk very much...please know that I love you lots!!!!

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  14. Boy, I so could have written this post. Today I shared a glimmer of what I'm going through and it took sheer guts to hit Publish when I really wanted to run back under the covers and hide. And Pioneer Woman, as much as I love her, can she just show that she has a bad day just once? Loved your analogy of the blogging sandbox. You have a way with words that I so enjoy reading. I'm sorry you are going through a painful time. If we could only clear our lives (or minds) like an etch-a-sketch. The meditation thing I'm with you on. It's really hard to do when your brain feels fuzzy. I do hope you get to a place of healing soon. (((hugs)))

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  15. I admire your candor--and the fact that you're getting help instead of ignoring the signs from your body.

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  16. Beth, I hav e the exact saame thing. It can creep up or slam you in the face. My doctor told me to write down on my calendar when I would have an episode. I take extra antidepressant when I get that way by adding one half a dose. When I get back to what is normal for me I drop the extra half pill. Exercising helps. Getting out in the country is so good for me. Being back in Texas is super medicine. I hurt for you and know you will make it out, once again. soon, I hope. xo Jenny

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  17. Beth, you know the only Christmas present I want for you - I just can't get hold of; but I can send all my best, brightest thoughts and wishes. Hugs
    Barbara

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  18. So well written, Beth...and so pertinent to many of us in different ways. Acknowledging and naming our afflictions is difficult but gets us halfway to recovery:)

    Love this photo by the way!

    Sounds like you have a great doctor!

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  19. winter lights are amazing. my husband works nights and it's the only daylight he sees these days.

    life is about being honest and being real...thanks for sharing

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  20. Asking for help is always a hard first step. I love your husband, too, but for different reasons. Feel better soon Beth. I'll be thinking of you.

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  21. beth,
    thanks so much for sharing you in all the forms. I had felt you were struggling recently, but in this format it is more difficult to share. You are a brave woman and I am proud to call you friend.
    Meditation is definitely difficult to do and I wish you well. I have found just in the past few days that I need to be writing in a journal again to struggle with those demons in my mind. Acupuncture and yoga are wonderful additions to your healing. You are doing beautifully.

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  22. I have a light box Beth~ its worth a try. I also do higher doses of Vitamin D- it hits me every October and I do know mine is more seasonal- but grey and cloudy and yes perimenopausal saps me of so much. Thinking of you- and I can vouch for how amazing every one responds when we just tell it like it is- and you told it well.

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  23. Oh, Beth. This is one of the most beautiful posts you've written - so open and full of honesty and so much of it speaks to me. About four years ago, I was feeling very down, more than depressed, and I attributed it to circumstances in my life and dealing with my husband's illness. I went to my GP and told him all the symptoms I was having and it turned out that I had Hypothyroidism. I can actually tell if my med needs tweaking because I begin to feel really down. If it lasts more than a couple of days, I'll call and ask for a blood test.
    Thanks for talking about this out loud. I love that you are you!

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  24. My heart is with you... P.S. Tell Julia hello :-)

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  25. remember those hugs you gave me last year? now i'm sending some your way.

    and meditation is hard!!!
    xoxoxo

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  26. Beth you are a warrior. I had a bout with depression too, 2 years ago after my parents divorced... I was even on medication for a few months, but it was the holistic approach that helped me: time to grief the loss of my parents marriage and the knowledge of what triggers feelings that might bring m back in the hole. It is very brave for you to share this and also it helps other people out there, myself included, to know we are not alone.

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  27. Sorry you're going through a tough time. I hope that things will turn well around before too long.

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  28. It's refreshing to know we all struggle. I can so relate on the medetation, I've tried, I still try sometimes, but my mind has the attention span of a 4 year old sometimes. Sending you prayers and lot's of healing light from that lightbox.

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  29. Love your honesty. I think everyone benefits from a post like this. Life is full of up's and downs. This post makes me feel normal... Nonetheless, I do hope you feel peppier soon! Xoxo

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  30. All you're doing sounds reasonable (a light box really ups my energy this time of year) and please consider the possibility that your soul is asking you to confront the darkness and move to a new level. There's a difference between soul work and depression, but discerning the difference can be tricky. . . depression should be addressed through exercise, meditation, balancing chakras, and sometimes with medication, but soul work won't profit from antidepressants.

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  31. First: {hugs}

    I think it happens to all of us at times in our lives... and whatever we call it, it's part of who we are, and it's part of life.

    You are always yourself and that is just the best. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to be what we are: people doing our best to make our way through this life.

    xoxo

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  32. i am going through depression myself, and i find that writing really helps.. whether i share it on the blog or not.

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  33. I've been off the blogger-grid for awhile...life happens! I just happened to pop back in and I have to say while I don't feel I'm depressed I now do understand that my moods could lead that way. I have been constantly taking St. John's Wort for years (started because of menopause) and I thought I would stop taking it thinking that I didn't maybe need to. Well let me tell you in two weeks my moods have gotten awful. Sad, down...not me. So today I'm starting back with St. John's Wort...clearly it does help me and works.

    I'll try to pop in more too! I've missed your blog and photo work.

    Hoping your feeling happier too.

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  34. It sucks when one feels this way...I remember wondering about you a few days ago and since changing to WordPress I seem to have a harder time to keep om top of my favourite blogs.
    Take the time you need, sweet friend to be well and thank you so much for your raw honesty and for being yourself no matter what...
    Sometimes I really wish I could live in your basement and if I did, I'd be hugging you right now xo

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  35. Bless your heart, Beth. I'm glad you knew you could share this with us. But mostly I'm glad you're not sitting back and accepting it, but you're doing something about it. Because there are so many things out there to help, and you deserve it. I've felt that gray cloud sitting about my head before - still feel it every now and then - but have loved ones who struggle with it every day. I know it's not something you can will away. And oh, gosh, I'm with you on the meditation thing. The best I can do is let my brain wander. Does that count? Keeping you in my prayers, sweet lady!

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  36. Dear Beth,

    I so understand. I've been there. Sometimes I still am. I'm on the threshold of having some assistance myself, but I might be coming out of it. Like you, all the feelings -- I have a great life, wonderful family... I actually posted about depression a bit on my current post. Having Lizzie has really made me smile again. I guess it was time. I know your world will fall into place -- I hope it is soon, for you. But know you are loved and supported.

    I'm trying to catch up a bit. I can see I've missed so much while I've been in my hole...

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  37. In my prenatal yoga class, we'd do 15 minutes of meditation at the end. I have always had trouble actually meditating too, but found her guided meditation to be wonderful. Sometimes, I would still zone off into something else, but I'd always end meditation feeling so much better. I wonder of there are guided meditations you can listen to online or buy on iTunes... Or check out at the library to try...

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**I love reading the comments you leave, as they make me feel like we're sitting in my kitchen, having a cup of tea, discussing life and wondering where all the time has gone ...beth