July 4, 2008

I think I know me......



I'm standing on the beach, where the white sand in between my toes clings on for dear life. The sky is a required shade of blue, yet I can see the orange of the falling sun fighting its way through every tiny opening with hopes of catching a ride to earth.

My body is bronzed from the day's brilliant sun and my mind is empty now that my cooped up thoughts have drifted with the ocean waves back into the deep pockets of the coming night.

Tired eyes keep blinking not wanting to miss any of the blinding darkness that's decending upon me and then I think I hear the silence....actually, I see it....I can even feel it..... then the sky turns multiple shades of black and the day I just lived lays its head on the floating ocean.

My legs feel stiff as I stand on the hard, damp sand at the water's edge where I step on the shells burying themselves for the day, but yet I take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the sweet ocean air and feel like I could become one with the beach.

And when my arms are stretched wide and open as I reach up and hug the cool air around me, I close my eyes and I think I see you. I wonder who you are and wether or not you've been watching me all this time.

Then with heavy steps, I head towards the boardwalk and I feel you following me with my your eyes, thinking maybe you are scared to come any closer to me and then I start to run....I run with everything I have and when I finally stop to catch my breath, pleading with my lungs to work faster for me, I slowly turn my head around....then side to side...and you are gone. I search and search, but even the sand shows no signs of you.

Into the depth of the late night, where I now lay motionless, believing I am dreaming, again you are there. You are protecting me from the sounds I hear that don't make any sense and you are warming every chilled inch of my body with yours. You look into my eyes and tell me to never be afraid. You tell me you know me. You tell me you have always known me. And then I search deep, almost through you, into the depths of us to make sure that not only do you know me, but more importantly, that I know me.

And when the morning sun falls in through the blinds and my body thrives on the early dawn's warmth, I can hardly move. Or maybe I just don't want to move, since moving any inch of my body might make me feel real. So I slowly close my eyes and you appear again. You tell me I am perfect. You tell me not to apologize for anything I say or feel. You tell me again that you know me. And this time, I throw my head back, my arms up and scream at the top of my voice....."I'm alive, this is real, this is my life" and as I get my breathing back under control, my eyes are open wide and I slowly start running back to the beach, knowing that it's there that I belong. It's always been there. It's always been the beach.

7 comments:

  1. that is absolutely spectacular! I was captivated by every word, every picture you painted with them. Thank you for the little mind vacation!

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  2. wow! the photo is breathtaking and the words were so lovely to read - and resonated on so many levels for me. bella!

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  3. oh my god.
    reading this, my breath stuck in my throat again and again, the tears so full.
    are you sure we were not separated somehow at birth, part of the same fiber, the same spirit?
    I am so full of love right now, in this moment, for this life of yours, for the ocean, for the knowing you write of here with language that makes me ache with its beauty.
    love to you.

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  4. Beth,

    Your journals must be full of beautiful writings!!!! This is a new calling! Or is it??? Have you been writing for very long? You have a talent!

    Happy 4th weekend!

    love
    laura

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  5. Wow. Someone already said that. But wow. Your words carried me like the wind from one sentence to the next and then when you awoke, well, I was spellbound.

    I'm not sure you need that Natalie Goldberg book! On the other hand, maybe it was just the trick!

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  6. You did it. You captured the feel of the ocean for the earthbound, landlocked mermaid in each of us. It has always been the ocean for me, as well.

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  7. That reminded me why I love the beach so much!

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**I love reading the comments you leave, as they make me feel like we're sitting in my kitchen, having a cup of tea, discussing life and wondering where all the time has gone ...beth