i have words and thoughts running around in my mind today. not just in circles, but instead like they've been told they need to participate in a marathon. usually when this happens, i grab a notebook and start writing, but today i'm not doing that. instead i'm just going to sit with them here in my lap and share some of them here, openly and honestly in the only way i know how.
the long winter seems to have affected many of us and i thank you for your honesty in the last set of comments. so why has 2012 followed so many of us into 2013 and why have we let it happen? maybe it's our own fault, i don't know. what i do know is that personally, i am partially to blame.
you see, fear is an ugly, ugly poison and i have learned that fear and love can't live together. i've also just recently heard that fear and faith can't live together either. for so many reasons, fear had its way with me...especially last year. some of it was real fear. unfortunately, most of it was made up fear. either way, when it first showed up, like a sun glass wearing spy dancing around quiet corners, i could control it, but then late in the summer, it took me as its prisoner. it was uglier than anything i had ever seen before. it was mean, unforgiving and painful. simply put, it was brutal.
i knew it was up to me to get rid of it and that i had the power to do so, but somehow, as cruel as it was, i let it stay. not only did it stay, it unpacked its suitcases and threw them away with plans on never leaving. on any given day, it didn't matter what i did, it joined me. even on days when i kicked it around, screamed, "go away, i hate you," and tried my best to ignore it, it sheepishly smiled at me and then lunged at and attacked my soul.
then one day earlier this month, catching us both completely off guard, the fear living with me couldn't get out of here fast enough. it spun out of control with hurricane like force winds, leaving crumbling, yet no longer questioning emotions in its path and me praying with everything i had, that this was real. that it was truly gone.
with fear officially having "left the building," all the trust, faith, love, self love, self esteem, hope, joy, patience and beliefs that had lived in every tiny crevice of my being for the past 48 years, easily and quickly moved right back in. in fact they have taken over, running up and down the hallways of my soul with ballet like precision, laughing and throwing confetti into the air and i couldn't be happier.
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{if i didn't take the time here to thank the most incredible man, my husband, for his love and support and understanding, especially when i was impossible to understand, well, i'd be an idiot. i have, in its most raw and vulnerable spaces, learned the true meanings of "deep to the bone, you are literally my heart and i am your heart" love and honesty...all because of him.}
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EVERYTHING YOU WANT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR. george addair
I admire your courage dear friend and your honesty for letting us know how it hard this past year has been for you. I am so glad you are starting to be more like yourself. The love you and your husband share is such an inspiration. Hugs to you xo
ReplyDeletehooray you!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWelcome back to the land of joy and beauty. Love and determination are the winners.
ReplyDeleteHooray for you who kicked fear right in the butt! it might have taken longer than you would have liked, stubborn emotion, but you conquered it!
ReplyDeleteHonesty breathes hope and life as far as I'm concerned. And fear? I know that sometimes we have to live with it for a little bit...we might not like it, we might want it to go but there is much to be learned from living with it for alittle while. I was talking about adversity and fear today as well...and what you've grown is courage to go with that honesty of yours. I'm glad fear has taken the fast train to elsewhere!! xoxox
ReplyDeleteBeautifully stated. Fear holds us back from so much.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest "F" Word in the book. Yup. That little word had me by the balls my whole life (pretty good considering I'm a chick). Only broke free recently. Still not free free, but sure am doing better! I would love to have had that moment where I could recognize it leaving the building. What a great experience! Now if you ever feel fear creeping up to tap you on the shoulder, you can call out the hurricane feeling and use it once again to eradicate that naughty "F" emotion. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteHaving survived what I lovingly refer to as my "7 years of hell" I am always wary of the first sniff of fear to arrive near me. If I catch it early enough I am able to side step more often than not..if not..then I have trained myself to ride the wave in a small world with quiet and soothing activities. I surface again down the way, a little wiser each time. Those of us who do much self reflection and inspection are more prone to this I believe and we also tend to fret about the world. I have friends who have no care or interest or concern of anything outside their own realm. I used to envy them slightly but now I do not at all. To know oneself and truly love the world even with all the pain is a far better place to be; is a far better person to be. <3
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that you have kicked fears sorry ass to the curb where it belongs. I hope it gets run over by a truck. xo
ReplyDeleteFear is so debilitating. Thankful you are on the up side of it once again. The flower is so refreshing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a bit surprised that you kicked butt ... you are a warrior woman from way back.
ReplyDeleteBe sure to give your hubby a big hug from all your friends that are happy that you're doing okay.
You have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself. Thankfully, the horrors of 2012 did not follow me into 2013, but many I know are still dealing with either left over issues or new ones to deal with. If I didn't have my faith, I would be ruined, possibly in the grave by now. Well, truthfully we are still dealing with some family issues, but I feel stronger, knowing I've prayed and left things in God's hands. Sometimes just saying, "I can do no more on my own", and realizing our limitations, is freeing. God love you, Beth. I always enjoy coming here and getting a glimpse of your thoughts. Hopefully, you will continue to feel uplifted.
ReplyDelete: )
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI've been there and wasted a lot of time and energy in the last four plus years on fear....it's hard but now I look back and regret so much time wasted on fear. I hope you continue to kick fears butt and March on forward.
Thanks for sharing those two quotes, Beth. I need those now. As you know, I've been dealing with my own demons and all the words you share here resonate in a very personal way. My word for the year was anticipation and yes, I am living that. But it has been clouded.
ReplyDeleteI am so very, very happy that you have found your good space again, that you have shown fear the door and sent it on its not-so-merry way. To paraphrase Lady Macbeth, "Out! Out, damned fear!"
I'm glad your joy is coming back.
My words are not enough for how this makes me feel. I admire your courage in the face of odds.
ReplyDeleteI so happy for you. That last quote is so true.
ReplyDeleteI think I must get busier that is for sure. I am gearing up for JOY.
I mean, seriously? Could your story have been put into words any better by anyone? I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteReally glad to hear your feeling better. If I was there I'd have you "Jump" in the air while I photographed it.
that last quote sums up this post quite nicely... so glad to hear your fears have subsided and your life is springing forth again... have a great day~
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad fear decided to run away from you. I think it came by here for a brief visit last week, but thank goodness it moved on. It's not a good guest at all.
ReplyDeleteGosh, fear is a monster. And it affects us all. I often what the world would be like if that one emotion (it's more than an emotion, isn't it?) didn't exist. It would be a different world. Entirely.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad it did't keep it's claws around you for too long.
Here's to a better year, a new spring. xo