it was a nightmare and I was awake for it...

monday night was just like any other night

where I was tired early

but also where a hot wash cloth while I was washing my face

breathed a second life into me

which kept me awake

reading

until 11:30

~~

I'm used to being alone in this house

but

sometimes

I hear funny noises that make me wonder if I locked everything up tightly

and

on those nights when that happens

I'm comforted by the red light on our security system

and

I drift away peacefully

~~

at 12:13 am yesterday morning

while I was in a deep sleep

our fire alarm that's hooked to our security system

which is hooked electronically to 6 smoke detectors

went off

and

for those who have this built into your home

you know

it is a deafening

eardrum piercing

heart pounding

sound

that even when you're fully awake and hear it

it will send your body flying in every direction

while you hope and pray that your brain functions properly to turn it off

~~

so you can only imagine what it must have been like for me to be alone

when the alarm went off

while my entire being was swimming deep into the black hours of the morning

~~

no

?

~~

let me tell you

~~

I jumped out of bed swearing that in the few minutes I had been asleep

someone had gotten into my studio

stolen my elmers glue

and

dumped the entire bottle over my eyelids

as I couldn't get my eyes to open

~~

my heart

was beating so hard that it felt like with every step I took

someone was beating my chest with a baseball bat

and

I could hear it

whack whack whack

~~

confirming that indeed it was the fire alarm and not a burglar

like one could possibly be better than the other

I managed to get my code punched into the control panel

that at least made the house quiet again

but

didn't drown out the exploding that was going on in my head

~~

my feet

feeling at first like I had 10 pound weights attached to each one when my body completely stiffened

now

magically carried my body around the house as if I were a ballerina

and

then I became rocky

hitting every light switch on every wall in every room in every hallway

bam bam bam

~~

lights came on furiously and illuminated the entire house

as I moved at record speed from room to room

while

my nose became that of a bloodhounds

~~

fortunately

every room proved to be fine

but

I stood in the upstairs hallway

shaken and a bit bewildered

~~

as I knew it would

the phone rang

exactly 6 minutes from when the alarm originally woke me

and

it was

the management company asking

"if everything was okay"

"do we need to dispatch the fire department"

?

and

in my extreme state of

"what the hell just happened"

I slowly gave her my password and told her everything was fine

while wishing maybe she'd stay on the line just a bit longer and tell me what it's like to be awake and working at that time of day

as I found comfort in talking

to another human being

~~

I stood in the kitchen for a few more minutes

just looking around

while lifting my hand to my heart

and

feeling that somehow

amazingly

the heart

my heart

that could have jumped right out of my chest wall less than 7 minutes ago

was beating again to an almost perfect rhythm

just like that

but not without first

having

pumped enough blood and adrenaline through my veins

to keep me awake for the rest of the week

~~

slowly I turned off all the lights except the one on bedside table

and

climbed back into bed

while grabbing my book and pulling the sheet up around me as tightly as I could

wishing that it was closer to morning so I could just stay awake

~~

I had nightmares all night long

tossing and turning

what do you grab first if your house is on fire

?

too hot too cold

need to pee

does house smoke smell like campfire smoke or different

did I hear something

?

~~

I called the alarm company

when the sun came streaming in like little mandarin orange slices through my window

and

they came right out

~~

I have a short in one of the detectors which will be replaced today

~~

I didn't ask

but I'm wondering if they can also replace the nerves

that while better

are a bit shattered

by this experience

and

might need a little extra time to level out again

~~