July 29, 2008

because I'm like that.......

If I had a little
red boat
I would float away for a day or two
while watching the clouds
float above my head
If I had a little
red boat
I would peer over the edge of it
starring into the depths of the water
wondering if through
the blackness
I was being seen
from below
If I had a little
red boat
I would rock back and forth
hoping to
tip it over
I could
drown my fears
If I had a little
red boat
I would sit for hours
the heaviness of nothing
around me
If I had a little
red boat
I would look towards the shore
wondering if you
could see me
If I had a little
red boat
I would dangle
my arms
over the sides
letting the cold water
numb my fingertips
If I had a little
red boat
I would ask you
to grab the tie rope
pull me in
but only when I told you
I was
If I had
a little red boat
I would paint it
the perfect shade
of vintage
because I'm like that

July 28, 2008

because I loved this book.......and got this great shot at the cottage this weekend

" The queen, for her part, is the unifying force of the community;
if she is removed from the hive,
the workers very quickly sense her absence.
After a few hours,
or even less,
they show unmistakable signs of
the secret life of bees
sue monk kidd

July 27, 2008

Oh come on already.....

I was raised by a momma
who often enough
refuses to be a rule follower
I guess she's rubbed off on me a litttle

July 25, 2008

her sleeping self

with the windows thrown wide open
and the moon peeking in at her
she dreamed vividly
on those cool summer nights
so much
that she actually returned to the real world
surprisingly aware
of what she had seen
and felt
it didn't scare her
these dreams
breathed a life into her
that she had never felt before
and she wondered
why now
what took you so long
she was sleeping less and less
yet her remembered dreams
would occupy
sleep filled hours
she would wake early
to her amazement
that she should be exhausted
and restless
from everything that had
occupied her thoughts
but instead
she felt
beautiful and vibrant
if she awoke to an alarm clock
the dreams were as if they had never exsisted
as if the buzzing hum that she heard
could simply erase
what she had seen
so she chose instead
to let the softness of the morning
slowly wake her
while she moved under
the sheets
that had kept her safe all night long
it was then
that she would smile to herself
of her dream filled night
sometimes during the day
she would be reaching for a glass
or sweeping the floors
and a warm thought would wash over her body
and she would know
she would know that this feeling
wasn't hers alone
as she shared it with her sleeping self
that she had left behind
her daytime self
loved this feeling
she would wait
for the next evening
to come
when once again
those summer dreams
take her away

July 22, 2008

because I'm a softie

I watched the Today Show this morning
and was caught off guard when
they showed this clip.
I'm an emotional wreck
when it comes to any living thing
{just ask my family}
this just tore at my heart strings
I wanted to share it with all of you
try to
watch it twice
the first time
read the story
the second time
with your volume on high
just watch
don't tell me you didn't tear up
when you watched this
I'll have to assume you have a heart made of stone
side note....
it was an african lion sanctuary that Christian was living in
~not the wild wilds of Africa~

July 21, 2008

on being content

I love summer days
when the puffy morning clouds
linger a little longer than they should
making me feel a little light headed
when the most important thing
I do all day
is replenish my ice filled glass
with fresh lemonade
when the television remains silent
and I fill myself
with music
every ounce of my soul
when my desk is screaming with papers
that need some attention
and I choose
to ignore them
and spend hours
writing in my journal
when the air conditioning doesn't run all day
and the windows are open
allowing my skin to be gently tickled
by the breezes
that find their way inside to me
when I feel sleepy
early in the evening
knowing that this tiredness
comes from having been buried
in a delicious book
that soaked up every
one of my
waking hours
when the forecast is for showers
and instead the sun
burns all day long
filling me with a warmth
that reminds me of the beach
when the smell
of a freshly cut lawn
or wet clothes coming out of the washing machine
remind me of being at my grandma's house

July 18, 2008

don't go running

So you run into a friend at the grocery store
that unfortunately
due to frenzied schedules
you haven't seen in months
and you immediately get
"Hi, how are you?"
because you are a kind person
your immediate response is
"good, and you?"
Have you ever answered that question
with an honest answer ?
I mean
really, really honest answer ?
Oh, alright
"I'm good"
might be an honest answer to reply with
it's safe
and easy
but have you ever imagined what would happen
if you opened
the gate to your inner life
just a tiny little bit
and answered how you really felt
by showing someone
a little bit
what's really inside you
I mean
what if the person asking
"how are you"
"well, some days I do everything I can
just to feel normal.
I think summer brings
a time of reflection for me
where I wonder
if I really like
who I am today
who I'm becoming
and if there is more to this life of mine
that I haven't found yet"
Some friends might actually
hear what you just said
probably not understanding it
yet choosing to decide
you're worth standing with a little longer
in hopes that you'll start talking about your kids
I think most people
would immediately become a little dizzy
unsure of what they thought they just heard
and then quickly check their watch
and come up with some excuse
for being in a hurry
and then off they'd run
at a maddening speed
towards the produce aisle
never to be seen again
So if you're shopping
somewhere near me
and you see a woman
with a terrified look on her face
rounding a corner
at full speed to get out off the grocery store
I just might be
close by
having decided
to be a little more honest
with at least

July 16, 2008

a breath of fresh air

with my youngest being 16
it's been
what feels like a lifetime
since I've been to the zoo
on Sunday
I'm not really sure why
I decided that was where I needed to be
I've never been to the zoo
by myself
I've always had my children
with me
to show me the way
wandered and watched and laughed
taking photos of my new friends
discovered that the zoo
at any point in your life
is an incredble place
to be
as long as you are surrounded
by anyone or anything
that can make you

July 13, 2008

let's be honest.....

I usually hestitate recommending movies to people
unless I know them well enough
to know that they won't hate me if I end up wasting their time
when they watch a movie
that they didn't like
or they didn't get
or was just okay
only because I told them that
I loved it.
But this summer
we've been watching more movies than usual
maybe because, oh I don't know....
I'm lazy
I love my couch !!
I pick and choose the movies
John does not.
He leaves it totally up to me
so that he can get through the next day
without the constant reminder of
"oh yeah, well that movie you picked last night,
well it sucked!!"
So now it's my turn
to share my summer movies
with you.
I don't usually do this....
if you watch them
and hate them...
maybe it was because you had too much cheap tequila ahead of time
and oh, I don't know...
fell asleep before the movie even started !!
in no particular order
~lars and the real girl~
~martian child~
~august rush~
~the bucket list~
~forgetting Sarah Marshall~
~death at a funeral~
~freedom writers~
since I'm putting it all out there
I can take it
the good
the bad
even the ugly
if you want
to share your feelings
about any of my suggestions
just remember
in all honesty
I'm not that nice...
unless I've had too much of the above mentioned
cheap tequila...
and then based on personal experience
that's when you'll find me
in a hot tub
that's not mine
wearing a bikini
that's not mine
throwing out the idea
that being topless
is a good thing....
oops, maybe I'll save that story
for another post
on another day

July 11, 2008

last night

I tossed and turned
with my eyes pinched tight,
knowing that I was adding more depth
to the already furrowed lines living between my brows,
but it seemed like the only answer
for keeping the blinding light
from the night's
from piercing through me
Then the heavy thunder followed
and weighted me down like I had
an elephant on my chest
and I found my breathing
becoming shallow
The rain heaved itself
against my bedroom windows
sounding like an ocean
knocking loudly
wanting to come inside
I couldn't get away from it
so I slowly curled my body into itself
and with my head buried deep
in my pillow
I dreamt that
I was floating away
And when morning arrived
and I was still here
I had to pinch myself
to remember who I was
In other words....
we had the mother of all storms last night !!!

July 8, 2008

written maybe

She was a determined little soul,
never wanting anyone close enough to feel the fighting going on in her mind.
She would sit still, almost lifeless in the morning lull, hearing only her own breathing, feeling only her own thoughts, wondering where to go from here.
Then slowly, one by one, the birds would come and their insistent singing would break a hole in her cherished silence, forcing her to listen to something besides the beating of her own heart.
She promised her eyes to close,
just to listen
and while she swam in the stillness of it all,
the day disappeared.
And when the dusky evening finally arrived with it's gentleness and the silence was upon her once again,
along with the fighting,
she decided she to had to write.
Approaching what felt like endless hours, some of the fighting thoughts that had filled her mind had withered away and now lived on the paper in front of her.
Maybe if her thoughts were written words instead of jumbled and floating in her mind,
they just might make some sense to her...
something she could now touch, something she could erase, something she could spend hours just looking at
maybe because on paper
her words just might make sense.
But it was a struggle.
The words crept slowly out of her. And as she carefully lifted her hand from the page to actually see the words that she had pleaded with, that had finally decided to flow freely,
she realized they didn't seem to make any sense to her after all. They were locked together, still fighting on paper, the same way they were in her mind...
and looking and feeling rather foreign.
She didn't want to start over, so she looked at each word carefully and decided which ones needed to stay and which ones could go.
And when she finished, she inhaled her long overdue breath, realizing that no matter what she did now, no matter what she wrote today or tomorrow,
those thoughts in her mind were still there,
refusing to leave completely.
But maybe those thoughts were now a little fresher and maybe she felt a little less congested, a little more settled and maybe even a little more confident.
So then she stopped.
And thought.
Maybe it wasn't fighting that was going on in her mind. Maybe her thoughts were only struggling to make sense
that she had mistaken them for fighting.
And maybe she had let others close enough to see her
and to know her.
And maybe, just maybe
her written words were all she needed....
in order to feel.

July 6, 2008

moving ever so slightly.....

Our quiet little cottage
brings a sense of stillness that is hard to put into words.
Maybe because nothing is actually still
while we are there.
The turned leaves on the trees
sway side to side
no matter how gentle the breeze is.
The prairie grasses dance
almost perfectly to the beat of the music
we always have playing.
The birds dive and disappear
into the feeders
as if they have never eaten a single seed.
The furry striped chipmunks
bounce all around the fringed edge
of our yard,
searching for the peanuts
I leave out for them.
The ceiling fans cycle constantly
bringing down wisps of cool air
that tickle the back of our necks.
And the hummingbirds
flit by in their iridescent colors
and I catch my breath
while I watch in amazement at their gentleness.
So maybe it's just our hearts that are still
when we are at the cottage,
and maybe our heads, too.
An overall stillness
wrapped up in quiet
that is almost tangible.
I guess when the most important question of any day
that someone might ask is
"is there any more lemonade"
will do that to a person...
quiet them down
and make them thankful
to have some place
that will take them away
and let them
believe in just about anything.

July 4, 2008

I think I know me......

I'm standing on the beach, where the white sand in between my toes clings on for dear life. The sky is a required shade of blue, yet I can see the orange of the falling sun fighting its way through every tiny opening with hopes of catching a ride to earth.

My body is bronzed from the day's brilliant sun and my mind is empty now that my cooped up thoughts have drifted with the ocean waves back into the deep pockets of the coming night.

Tired eyes keep blinking not wanting to miss any of the blinding darkness that's decending upon me and then I think I hear the silence....actually, I see it....I can even feel it..... then the sky turns multiple shades of black and the day I just lived lays its head on the floating ocean.

My legs feel stiff as I stand on the hard, damp sand at the water's edge where I step on the shells burying themselves for the day, but yet I take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the sweet ocean air and feel like I could become one with the beach.

And when my arms are stretched wide and open as I reach up and hug the cool air around me, I close my eyes and I think I see you. I wonder who you are and wether or not you've been watching me all this time.

Then with heavy steps, I head towards the boardwalk and I feel you following me with my your eyes, thinking maybe you are scared to come any closer to me and then I start to run....I run with everything I have and when I finally stop to catch my breath, pleading with my lungs to work faster for me, I slowly turn my head around....then side to side...and you are gone. I search and search, but even the sand shows no signs of you.

Into the depth of the late night, where I now lay motionless, believing I am dreaming, again you are there. You are protecting me from the sounds I hear that don't make any sense and you are warming every chilled inch of my body with yours. You look into my eyes and tell me to never be afraid. You tell me you know me. You tell me you have always known me. And then I search deep, almost through you, into the depths of us to make sure that not only do you know me, but more importantly, that I know me.

And when the morning sun falls in through the blinds and my body thrives on the early dawn's warmth, I can hardly move. Or maybe I just don't want to move, since moving any inch of my body might make me feel real. So I slowly close my eyes and you appear again. You tell me I am perfect. You tell me not to apologize for anything I say or feel. You tell me again that you know me. And this time, I throw my head back, my arms up and scream at the top of my voice....."I'm alive, this is real, this is my life" and as I get my breathing back under control, my eyes are open wide and I slowly start running back to the beach, knowing that it's there that I belong. It's always been there. It's always been the beach.

July 1, 2008

don't blink....

I read so many blogs by women who have small children
and I wonder if they really have any idea what the future holds for them.
My guess is no!
At an early age we knew this one of ours could charm the pants off of us
with just a wink of an eye
and as the years have gone by
he has entertained us with many of his other talents....
speaking all day with an english or scottish accent
sleeping until noon
farting on command
burping the alphabet
taking showers that last an hour
Now this is where he really cracks us up.
This is at camp where "his group" was making up a dance routine
to a Hannah Montana song to be performed later that evening
for the little campers.
I asked him about the shirt...like dude, you look like a girl !
and when we got to see the final video
of the dance routine it made sense....

all the boys were dressed like girls !
And of course, I must say, he looked adorable
in his white eyelet skirt...AND
his size 12 tennis shoes....
a look only his mother could love
and then it hit me~
these kids really do change
right before our eyes
and I don't want to ever miss any of it...
so from now on,
I'm done blinking!